♥ Daily Blog: Choosing

As I walked into my neighborhood, I punched the gate, wounding my finger tremendously. My skin ripped.

"At your age right now, you either choose love as your dream or your career as your dream."

She was right. I've chosen love. I gave up Calculus for summer. I gave up one of my goals to go to a UC right after high school. And the reason? Him.

I can't help but blame myself to the extent where I just literally beat myself up. If it wasn't for me, she would have never come to view. But what do I do now? It happened, and that's that.

I didn't mean to raise my voice at him. I just couldn't stand seeing him acting like that. I seriously don't want to think about chemistry and mention her name. Yet, I was pressured to.

I don't even know what colleges to look forward to, what I want to be, and what I want to do with my life anymore. I used to plan out so much, but ever since I've met him, all I see is him whenever I look at my future.

This is how society is. It has changed. Everyone becomes pressured into the reality and simply live the reality. There is no more imagination, creativity, and living life to how one dreams it. No more. I don't give in to temptations nor do I give in to peer pressure, etc. I stay true to myself all the way, living life my own way...seeing life in my own perspective.

As I'm crying right now from the pain on my finger, the pain inside my heart, and my headache, venting it out through this stupid blog is the only way I can think of right now. As I reflect on this website, I realized that this blog has recorded my deepest thoughts, despite the fact that there are not many details.

I do not blame him if he wants to avoid me or anything now. Even though I wish he was like the male lead character in The Notebook, he's not. When you really love someone, you love that person unconditionally...continue to stay with that person and trying to fix things. Sometimes, you just need to keep trying and one of these days, the jackpot button will be pushed.

I know he may think that I'm some selfish lover, wanting him to stop contacting this girl and that girl....but if he thinks that...he has mistaken. There's a reason for all that...and I guess the true test of love is that.

UCI has been my dream. It's just too bad that I was born younger. UCI has amazing music programs....but...I don't know anymore.

I would have definitely made into a UC, there was no doubt about that. But as time drew near, I had to make a decision...to stay here or not. As a result, I had to decide to take Calculus or not. Now, I'm behind. My friend was clearly right. At my age, I either choose love or career....and I chose love unconscioulsy. This affected my success, but to me, success is when I'm happy and satisfied with life...not by how much money I make.

But...all those decisions...they were made because I thought about him. I planned to go to OCC, and I even helped him made a decision for a community college. He went to OCC instead of Santa Ana. And now...he'll go to UCI.

I feel as if I'm that girl from Delightful Girl. She helped this one guy with his school...helping him decide and achieve what's best for him. But in the end, her dream to go to that university was destroyed...because of love. What's sad is that she did things for him, and he just took them all and leave. But...like all good dramas of true love, the guy loves her truly and came around..putting her first...

I'm not sure what I want to do now. I don't know what I want to be and where I want to go. OCC is the only community college I have aimed to go as my back-up. However, I don't want to have to go through the whole process and worrying once he leaves for a UC after my first year in college. I can't go to Santa Ana either. Coastline Community College...maybe that should be my other option.

I don't know. I want to go to a UC straight on. I can't go to UCI. I know that I'll always meet a girl who will be selfish and inconsiderate. But if there's one thing that I don't want to remember, it's the period where I have a conflict with her. And...he told me..."I won't see her in two years."

So, he'll see her eventually.

He's going to be busy with school. He has a long way to fulfill his dream. Because I love him, I don't think I should be in the way. UCI has a good medical school. He should go there...

I'm not sure if I can even be a teacher. Teachers are getting laid-off a lot lately. This is insane. I don't know anymore. Cal-State Long Beach...maybe...just maybe...or UC Berkely...or UC San Diego. I don't know...I seriously don't know.

I should move to another state...if not, somewhere away from Orange County. Why is it so hard to decide. What do I want? All this time my decisions have been made based on after thinking about him. But...now I'm lost...and..I don't even know if he makes all his decisions lately based on around me.

This summer...I need to do a lot of thinking. Correction: I should make a finalize decision by the end of July.

I want to tell him things...but I can't. As soon as I open my mouth to say something, something bad happens.

I need to do a lot of thinking now. I need to check up on things in case if I do decide to leave. I don't know.

I'm afraid what will happen to him and me once school starts. He's been ahead of me, and he's been taking care of his own business. What have I done? I took care of the Calculus business, but I ended up cancelling it. I gave up two hours of cs today because I wanted to spend time with him.

But...what do all of these do? I do all of these things, but do I get good results? No...

My Saturday morning is open, what should I do with it?

Even when we walk around places...we walked our separate ways often...rarely holding each other....

I just wish I have a relationship as romantic as Richard's.

............

Why is it always those two girls...

Nothing I can do.

After all of this, I'm now calm.

But...stupid finger...my skin ripped...disgusting bloody skin...i've been skinned.