♥ Daily Blog: Acceptance

Today was okay.

Lunch was interesting. Surprisingly, he pulled me into his lap. It's been a long time since I've sat on his lap during lunch time. I like lunch today.

During fifth period, I sat down and wrote some things while I listened to Mr. Stanley playing on Y's guitar. With the music playing, I was able to think and write.

I finished writing it halfway through sixth period.

I wasn't planning to write anything, but for some reason, I just picked up the pen and wrote things out freely.

He wasn't waiting for me by my locker after school. He didn't see me walking on the other side.

Anyway, I walked up to him.

Initially, I was a bit disappointed. He wanted to stay in the car. I don't know why, but I didn't seem so thrilled. I guess....I just want to walk with him around the school while I still can.
I said some things...but someone interrupted...he didn't hear what I was saying. Eh...he doesn't pay attention to me like he used to. I feel as if I came second the moment I heard him talking to someone else and looking away.

We drove around, but suddenly he insisted on going to the park. So we got there and spent time there. My plan from yesterday was taking effective today.

The kiss was okay. Just okay.

I asked him, "Would you ever like/love someone else?"

I guess it was yes, because he asked me, "Would you?" And so...he would. He only said that he won't after i told him that i'll love him always. Therefore, he would love someone else one day. Maybe.

I later remembered the paper I had in my pocket. After a while, I took it out and read from it. He stopped me a few times, but later, I continued to read nonstopping. After I was done, I noticed that his eyes were red. He started to cry, because he was touched.

"I'm not going to let you pass," he said. As I was talking to him, I mentioned about the last time going to high school together. Ironically, heavy tears fell from my eyes. I was surprised, but...I didn't stop. He cried too.

I felt bad somewhat. I didn't want him to cry...however...this is one of those times where tears are sweet and are worth it. They weren't destructive. We were sharing our tears. It was a sweet moment. And seeing him releasing his tears...I was able to see a glimpse of the guy I love. I was able to see a glimpse of the person who loves me and only me. I saw him...I saw my guy...I wonder will he stay...

I tried to recover quickly though. Furthermore, I couldn't cry anymore...I was exhausted from crying on the other days. I didn't want him to see my tears. I tried to smile, I tried to be happy, and I tried to be cheerful for him. I didn't want him to be hurt, but most of all, I didn't want to show him how hurt I was. So, I tried to sound cheerful and I tried to look happy.

The moment I got out of his sight, however, my happy expression faded.

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Earlier, I asked what was his dream. He said he wanted a family and a house. I wasn't in it...my name wasn't mentioned. Furthermore, I wasn't his dream...I was just hoping that maybe I was his dream...and he would be like Domyouji...pointing to me and say, "It came true." lol...well...hey...that's love right there.

Well...his first answer was a family and a house. Well, someone he loves and a house. That was his dream. In that case, that someone is still changeable...

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"Why are you so stupid? Move on. Forget him. He doens't even love you like you love him. It's better to be loved, Jennifer. Don't be foolish. He's not ever going to love you back more. He's not going to fix any of his flaws for you like you have fixed some of yours for him."

I just shook my head at my friend. "This is the last guy I will love and the only guy I love. I've made myself too vulnerable. I've never been so vulnerable to somebody in my whole entire life. Every part of me is broken. I don't want to love again. I know for a fact that it won't be fair to the next person, because I won't love the next person like I have loved him. I won't love the next person as much as I have loved him. Most of all, I am afraid of love, now."

My friend just sighed. "There are other fishes in the sea."

"Sure, there will always be another person out there, but I don't want any other. What's the point of finding the perfect person if the perfect person isn't someone that you love? I don't want to go for somebody whom I only have some feelings for. I want someone who loves me more, but I love him a lot too...because everything is better if you're with someone who makes you feel excited everytime you see that person."

My friend almost cried. She wished she could help me in my situation, but she couldn't. She didn't wnat to see me hurt anymore and wished that there is a better solution to it.

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"Of course, all love is different," he told me. After I heard that, I realized that he's actually okay with finding someone else.

Sometimes, I wish that he only wants to have love with me...I wish that he's willing to love me and accept all its consequences. Wishes...what are they?

After writing that note, I find myself accepting this position I am in. I've finally learned to accept what I cannot change and what I cannot control. It's true that he and I can be as happy as ever...it's true...but...after talking to him today, some answers that he gave me revealed that he's not sure of me as before. Before, he would be so certain that he'll be with me forever. Now...it's different.

I want to be with him officially, but I can't control that. I wish he wasn't close to the other girls, but I cannot change that. That's up to him. That's why I feel as if I'm not worth much to him, because he's not willing to sacrifice anything...

He's going to have senior breakfast...I should be happy for him...but why am I not? It's because all the senior girls are there...and he's going to be around them. Just like the senior assembly...he's going to be close to them, touch them, etc.

"You know, if you're afraid of him doing those things, apparently he's not considerate of your feelings," my close friend told me. She was right.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't faithful. I wish...that I was never serious about anyone...because...being faithful is stupid. Guys will just take advantage of that. Now, I know faithfulness is good...but based on my experiences, it's the worst trait I have within me.

But...knowing that all I can do is enjoy every second with him, I've finally accept the fact that my hope for anything until the end of the school is gone.

I HOPE that I am wrong about all of this...but...as of now...I realized that I've accepted all of this. Feeling pain is normal. Just knowing that he won't always love me...has broken every hope that I've carried up until now. I'm not assuming...but...I realized that I told him that I'll love him always...and he was just returning the word "always."

If he truly loves me and is willing to be with me...he'll show them...

I'm keeping my eyes open still...

I want to be a girl...I wish I am...I don't want to be a guy anymore...I'm just not a guy...I want to be a girl whom the guy will love her and adore her. Treat her with love...and willing to wait for her..even if it's forever. A guy who will stay faithful to her no matter what. A guy who will not love someone else...

Why...why am I a guy...