♥ Daily Blog: A Twisted Knot

I woke up at six today and went to school at seven, but it turned out that breakfast was starting at 8.

Mae's cafe was short-lived. I couldn't face sitting at the table I was in, and I suddenly felt like crying so badly that I had to plead my way out to sit in the booth next to me. However, I then felt guilty because I wasn't really part of the group, so I moved back.

I don't hate her. I just don't like her. I may not know her well, but I know her character. Besides, last time he defended her.
To be honest, even when most guys criticized him, I never took their words seriously. Instead, I defended him.
But, I have to go through this everyday. Facing those two together is an obstacle I have to face each day now. And I'm distracting myself really hard lately.

At the same time, I can finally see how strong his feelings for me, if any, are. He knows what I don't like. He knows what hurt me. Knowing it and pushing it, I therefore conclude that he has none of those feelings for me any longer.

I don't care if a girl already has a boyfriend or not. I'm not stupid to think that every girl is faithful like I am (ok, i'm a bit retarded anyway). However, years ago, there was a girl who had a boyfriend at the time and tried to get my crush. She knew my vulnerable spot.

Furthermore, he's been talking to her lately. How else would he know her status?

Sometimes, I feel as though...my presence means nothing to him. Whether I talk to him or not, I can no longer feel as if I'm the only one he sees anymore.

I cannot stand what I saw in chem class today.

In order to overcome this obstacle, I must ignore my feelings for him and freeze them to the max. He can do anything with me at this time, but...the proof of whether he has feelings for me or not...is still not proven.

As far as I can see, I cannot force someone to not be close to someone. The choice is up to the other. If one truly doesn't want to hurt the other, that person will find whatever he or she is doing to be unnecessary and give it up to show that the other is worth more.

Also, I notice that he's been only responding. I do all the explaining and pointing things out. That's it. I'm done. Never once has he say anything like that intially. Never once has he taken any initiative in showing if he has feelings for me or not. Never once.

What more...does he want me to show? Furthermore, if one really loves someone, that person would do everything he or she can to show to the other person...not wait for the other person to show. I've sent tons of unreplied emails, letters, and things I made. What more does he want? Up to me? How lazy.

So what do I get from this? He's not interested.

I might be wrong, and I might be right. But, right now, my only hope is to have my feelings be frozen up to its max.

That's my only hope. If anything else happens, that's just merely..."the unexpected."

And I'm not really going to rely on anything good.

I'm not giving up, but I'm walking away. I've tried, I've waited, and I've hinted. It's not up to me now, but rather up to him. I'm going to walk away, and if he really DOES truly love me, he'll pull me back and prove his feelings.

If he doesn't truly love me, he has given up.

Seriously, I'm beginning to think that he's taking all of this for granted. I don't want to think that, but I can't help it sometimes.

What has he ever done to prove me that he truly loves me? What did he sacrifice? All he ever did was making an attempt to sacrifice, and in the end, he gave up.

Yet, I ran to GGHS last time just to apologize for him. I couldn't find him.

Yet, I didn't eat for days nor did I slept for days. I lost my apetite. I was truly heartbroken.

BUT, he was fine. He could talk to other people, laughed, and ignored me.

Furthermore, how can he ever explain about the things he did at the senior assembly? I never told him about that though...

And..I'm trying my best..to be happy and show that I still have emotions going on inside of me. I'm just waiting...until the night of prom...having one last fun time...and that will be it. I need to walk away.

I'm not pressuring him...but...at the same time...I can't go on lingering like this. I'm sure...if somewhere in his heart...if he truly loves me, I'm pretty sure...he won't need so much time to just think it over...

So Jen..smile. Who cares if it's fake. Just smile.