♥ Daily Blog: Dead but Alive

Lately I've been feeling kind of worn out. I eat every other day, and I drink a lot of water. I did sleep for three hours nowadays...but..then...maybe the sun's another factor for my tripping and silence.

However, the moment I saw that drink he was holding, somehow I felt as though he not longer has those kinds of feelings for me anymore. I remember that one time when he literally threw it when I didn't look so happy seeing him drinking it. That action illustrated that he was willing to do anything for me. I admit that that action was something that caught my attention.
But...seeing that can today, all I can think is that he doesn't love me anymore...or doesn't have that kind of feeling for me anymore. Although...I admit that a small sip didn't taste so bad. Maybe I thought it was good because I was lacking energy.

I see myself transforming now. I'm already cold-hearted. The side of me that he brought out is not here anymore. Furthermore, not only did that expressive side was out, my dark side came out too..and I guess that's how...today is how it is. However...I guess I never had my dark side and I couldn't control it. Even now that I'm aware of that, even if I want to improve that, I can't.

Funny thing is...I can't cry anymore. It's not that I don't want to cry, I literally can't cry.

Another thing is...though I don't know his answer for sure...I have to take it as unrequited feelings for now. Good thing is...I'm so used to not have my feelings return that I don't seem to care anymore. Bad thing is...the feeling is love...true love...not having it return inflicts pain somewhere inside of me.

Sometimes I wonder...if you know what it feels like to have something good slipping away from your finger tips...why would you want the other person to feel that way too?

Sometimes I get kind of upset. I didn't realize how much he and I have understood each other. He knows when I'm down even when I try to hide it. I never lied to him before either. Also, I noticed that I tend to speak out my mind nowadays...I say something to him...and I didn't realize that I was speaking aloud. *sigh* Jen doesn't lie and IF she seems to be lying, she's actually trying to rationalize her thoughts...for example: She doesn't feel well but she can still walk. Therefore, she thinks she's fine.

*sigh*

I intended to walk around target until four, but...then my feet took me somewhere else.
I must say that walking alone is NOT safe. Men were staring, but I gave them my dangerous glare. Yeah, don't mess with me especially when I'm not feeling well, ESPECIALLY when I have no control over myself. Heh...so yeah...some men tried to reach out but I just gave them one look while clutching my fists. yeah, I'll punch you if you try anything. heh, don't try to mess with someone who once learned karate. I'll split your head in half! Muahahaha.

I had a lot of thoughts while going home today. Maybe he was only after something, once he gets it, he leaves. He doesn't seem to care anymore. On Monday, I can still see something...but as the days pass by...Idk.

Well, for now....:
one, he wants to be reserved because he's waiting for college to look for another girl.
two, he needs time to heal all the bad memories from the past...and will start over...asking me outside?

idk...sometimes i wonder..maybe the reason why everything went downhill was not only because of myself taking things for granted..but perhaps it's because I wasn't asked out outside.

but..what am i thinking...i'm just trying to think positive.

as much as I hope I'm wrong...i can't help questioning myself..."Does he still love me?"

Seems to me...that he has already moved on...

but..guys do hide their emotions...

I'm not even sure if I can order my dress yet or not...

Well...as I have said before...true love comes once....grab it...and if it suddenly gets loose..chase after it...

Well, I must say that...I still have hope...

I'm glad to see his true side, but...seeing his other side...I realize that he has that side because of that one emotion that has once existed.

Idk..just seeing that thing today...well that's what i think.

Though anything is possible...I'm just going to leave my feelings for him aside now. If something good happens, awesome. If not, well I'm just rejected again. Besides, I'm done with love. My feelings are frozen up anyway...they're there...but...they're just frozen.

Whatever happens...just let it happen.

Besides, I did try. I'm proud of myself for even trying and think through about my own mistakes. If I'm willing to fix my mistakes for him, then I really do love him. But...with the other way around...idk..

If I didn't do anything, then yeah...it's my lost. BUT I have tried...I've done all that I could....if he really is gone...it's not my lost. I've tried, I've helped. As I have done when I first met him, I'm leaving my feelings aside. I'm not going to bother them anymore. I don't really care if he talks to other girls and hovering over their shoulders anymore. If he loves me, he'll consider my feelings.

Eh, but to be honest, I'm kind of out of this world lately. I think my heart is iced now D:

Well..I'm just waiting for good signs...

I hope good things do happen unexpectedly.

But...for now..my mind's kind of dazed.

Hana yori dango season two relates to me so much. Her love one's mother doesn't approve...arranged marriage or something...the girl's heartbroken...cried like I have cried..so similar.

But....whatever.


Hope.

Anyway...just because the guy doesn't fall in love with the girl first doesn't mean that he doesn't have the chance to love her with everything he has.

then again...i'm just being dumbfounded.

alright.

2nd post will be up later.

heh...ugh i swear...if any weird man try to sneak up on me again, i'll knock his teeth out.

~jen-jen

i don't let just any male touch me. ugh. perverted ppl. i'm so ugly and they're just desperate.