♥ Daily Blog: The Last Words

Here I am...at a friend's house. I refuse to go home. I change my mind.

I've fallen. I've fallen down into hole of emptiness, the hole where no one can reach the other person. I've fallen.

You know, no one can really stay strong seeing someone whom he/she loves wanting to end life. It's not that you're not ready, you're just responding how anyone would respond.

The thing that hurts me most is to hear you say that you're not completely ready. If you're not ready...it's gone. If it's gone, then I'm gone.

Couples have it easier than us, because they listen to each other's needs. A couple who thinks "flirting" around is fine, then it's fine. Because they agreed on the same thing, where is the trouble? A couple who believes that all they have is each other, because that's enough, then there are no quagmires to be solved.

Everywhere I go, I see a couple holding onto each other. Everywhere I go, I see that happy couple. How I wish I could be hold everywhere I go. How I wish that during lunch, he would walk beside me with his arms around me like that and stay with me. How I wish he could be naturally romantic. This couple...they always walked together during lunch..hand in hand or body to body. Never once did they let go. Never once did they walk together without letting go of each other. They ignored all outside influences; their focus was on each other. This pains me. What I see pains me, for it's not like I don't have someone. I do have someone...who doesn't believe in emotional attachment or romance. Almost five months...yet...already we're apart physically. This couple have been going on for three years with each other....I don't see how they are tired of each other. I turn to the other direction. That happy couple. As he meet the girl, he follows her and grabs her. I want to faint.

All I ever wanted is someone to do all those things with. All I ever wanted is someone to love me forever. All I ever wanted is a happily ever after.
But all I ever received....is a happily never after. I look to this relationship as my happiness. It turns out..that he isn't ready.

When I'm at my worst, ready to just end this life of mine....I wanted him to handle this, not asking someone. He finally asked someone....he gave up...he gave up...
I wanted him to handle this on his own. I wanted him to hold me close, hold my face up, and look straight in the eye saying, "I want you to live."
If I counter, I wanted him to be resistant. "No, I want you to live. I want you to live with me. I want to have someone to walk with me everyday and everyday as we live. I want to be able to call you and have you there for me to talk to you."
A romantic guy who understands and loves his girlfriend would surely come up with this idea, this saying...without taking it from anybody. He would come up with his own.

Handling emotions isn't difficult. One just needs to know the right words to say, the right actions to display, and the right attitude to have at the time. No matter how terrible you feel, no matter how hard one feels to handle an emotional event, one must never give up and have faith.
To give up is a sign of fake love.

I'm aware that the majority of couples are not as romantic. They don't really care, and they just take things simple. All along I try to aim away from those. I'm aiming for a fairytale relationship...all guys should know that many girls love fairytale stuff...like a happily ever after.
Maybe it's just him. Maybe he deserves someone...who allows him to flirt with other ladies. He needs someone who doesn't care about the relationship so much.
If you think about it, one who doesn't take the relationship so seriously, if she wants to break up, then she would. Because from a logical point of view, this is just a high school relationship. He won't be my last. This is just an experience, and we will see how it goes.

It seems to me that I'm the only one who takes this darn thing seriously. I don't want to date until I meet the right guy. I don't date just anyone. Guys have asked me out last year, one week after another. But no...I don't date just anyone. I go for someone whom I think will be my last.
But if you think this is a just a relationship...waiting until graduation...agreeing on this...then...you really don't take this relationship seriously.

To spend hours thinking of you and doing things for you. I don't mind. If there were no homework at all, each day I would work on something for you. I put my heart and mind into the things I do. Always.

This birth chart compatiblity isn't a lie. I tested on many couples. That happy couple...have one square...just like vanessa and zac. A perfect relationship.

But our relationship...although it has up to three square, our chart is long. We have trines and sextiles..positive aspects. But the majority of all...were the conjunctions. Do you ever wonder why our relationship is too emotional and not so simple? Of all relationships, our relationship is the strongest one. When we hurt, we hurt to the point where it can kill us. When we laugh, we laugh to the point where we can be out of breath. When we argue, we argue to the point where we (or just I) will have the blood rushing though our (or my) veins like no other, enough to start a heart attack. When we're happy, it's a never ending moment. When we're depressed, it's a raining scene that continues on and on. Our emotions affect us most. Perhaps this is why when you try to use logic without emotion, conflicts arise. Logic is simple and easy. Still, we let our emotions take over. The thing is...you need to accept it. Logic. Do you think that I don't use it at all? If so, you're wrong. I use logic all the time. If I had gone with my logic, we would be done in January. I'm an emotional person, you should know that by now. You can't use logic against emotion. When we argue, we need to consider each others' feelings first and accept those emotoins to then use logic to deal what we have. But I don't want to argue. I don't want to argue with you. A relationship should have two ppl agree with each other. There should be no problems at all. Can we do that? Can we do that, really?
Emotion goes with emotion. Logic goes with logic. You can't have emotion against logic or vice versa. One needs to have both and be willing to let one take over if the situation requires it.

This relationship has so much going on. One conjunction = power. One conjunction is like one current of a 10 feet wave of the ocean. We have more than one conjunction, more than any couple I've ever seen. This relationship can cost up to one or two lives. It's that strong.

Positive aspect: No clouds in this couple's life. They have a good intellectual understanding, take pleasure in being together, in discussing and exchanging ideas.

Positive aspect: Good spiritual understanding.

Positive aspect: Here is a couple you like to be with. They are charming, agreeable and know how to entertain their friends generously and warmly. They go well together, and love each other in a discrete and sincere way, and appreciate the joys of life together.

Positive aspect: Favorable union. Neptune brings dreams to Saturn, who lacks them, and Saturn brings common sense to Neptune, who is totally without it.

Positive aspect: This aspect shows an attraction to each other beyond the physical. There is a level of forgiveness and mercy in the chemistry between you. You may share your dreams together with a sense of freedom. Tolerance exists between the two of you, which is a very soothing and settling quality.

Positive aspect: Favorable union, linking invention and originality with common sense and thoughtfulness. They might do great things together.

Positive aspect: It's love-at-first-sight, the great passion: they will be drawn to each other like two magnets, they will always have to see and touch each other. Very good sexual understanding, typically very passionate. It must be said that this type of relationship may not last forever, it may not develop into a quiet and tender love. If they part, it is close to impossible to stay friends because of the constant reminder of the passion that once existed. It's all or nothing with them. If they part, one will suffer when the passion of the other dies, it will be a very difficult time to live through. However, if they stay together, there is strength to gain from each other.

Positive aspect: A relationship which will be agreeable, they will like to speak to each other, have a good intellectual understanding, their tastes will be very similar, they will like to share their feelings with each other.

Positive aspect: An ideal couple, prosperous, happy, good intellectual understanding, great confidence in each other, a successful family life.

Positive aspect: Favorable union, they have the same artistic tastes in common, their life will sometimes be full of fantasy.

Positive aspect: A favorable union, a joyful family life, thanks to Saturn, this couple will never go lightly into any adventure but will work out and think through everything.

Negative aspect: Their relationship will sometimes be agreeable, sometimes disturbed. They will like to share their ideas which are not always to the other's taste, so that they may have interminable discussions in order to convince each other of their mistakes, lack of judgement or lack of taste.

Negative aspect: Life together, if this happens, will be full of aggression and conflict.

Negative aspect: They have good intentions towards each other, but they often promise more than they can deliver. They make big plans that often fail to be realized. When one person wants to spend "together time", the other feels restless and dreams of being somewhere else. Freedom versus closeness is a conflict that arises often in this relationship.

If there is trust and love, negative aspects can be overcome...one just need to never give up, no matter what the circumstances are.

I know for a fact that I had tried to give up. I say I give up, but in the end, I didn't. Despite what anyone says, in my heart, I have that one feeling. A voice, a forbidden book. It's as if there's something that I know but I don't know. Something inside of me was finally unlocked when L asked me, "Are you even ready to break up? You're not ready. You will regret."

She was right. As I cried yesterday, L wondered, "Is it over? Are you sure?"
I was sure. He didn't seem to acknowledge it. Instead, he said "Well you ended it, didn't you?"
I wasn't final...but he ended it...

Though I cried and cried, all L could think of was "Jen, if it's over, it's over. What will crying give you? Move on. It's his loss to lose such a faithful girlfriend."

I wish that he was mine and only mine. I still wish that he is mine and only mine.
But.....if he ended it..he ended it.

"I don't get it. If you still love him very much and he still loves you very much, what's the point of breaking a beautiful thing that you guys once have? Why suffer when you guys can be together. Think about it this way. Sure he made mistakes, but if it's possible to have a second chance, give it to him. If he really loves you, I'm sure he will use this second chance wisely."

"I was thinking of giving him a second chances. I never give second chances to anyone, but I guess he will be an exception, because I love him."

"Exactly. If things remain unsolve, well move on. If he doesn't love you with everything he has, at least do something for yourself like move on and forget. At least protect yourself."

A ring is round, it turns forever, and that's how long we'll be together...at least..I hope...
but...isn't it over..

If we are meant to be together, we will survive any obstacle or trouble that comes to us...

But..you're not ready...you're not ready...

If you're not ready to handle this....then this is good-bye...I really love you...I just thought that you love me the same or more...being more than ready.....

The relatoinship goes, fades.....one of us will go...and fade...

All I ever wanted was a fairytale relationship, a happily ever after, and that we will resist any problems that try to occur...by using our love for each other to fight it off. You are my Prince Charming...I just want to be your only Princess...I just want to live in a kingdom and have my Prince to love me with all his heart. In return, I will forever stay.

If you love me, why can't you make sacrifices. Why do you want me, the lady, to sacrifice for you? I gave you so much...this heart of mine...this ugly shaped body of mine...this mind...
And you can't sacrifice for the one you love...

People had said that we look so happy together. Nowadays, people come up to me and said..."I don't see you guys together anymore."

How I want a relationship..a perfect one...just for us. How I want to surpass all those happy couples...I have a hope...that he and I can be number 1 as one. I want he and I to walk together wherever we go..holding each others hands...being in his arms...I don't want to look at other happy couples and cry. I want our relationship to be perfect..enough for me to be conceited for the first time....to be proud...to have my self-esteem hit 10+++++

But...it's too late...because...I will be not here anymore....

What are you going to do..ask for help? Or find a way to solve this on your own.

How much did the relationship worth to you?

How much do I worth to you now...

I'm not going home...I left all my books at school...I'm not going home...

(: ♥ jen-jen

Maybe there will be a better someone for you.