♥ Daily Blog:; Where Am I?

I don't understand.

I just don't.

I failed.

So I went home from Tastea and found out that a gazillion people (exaggerating) will be coming over in the evening. I immediately groaned silently, "Oh no, how am I going to do homework?"

I hate it. I completely despised having social gatherings like this. It's not normal, even though relatives are mainly coming over. I don't like a family like that. I look at my mother's side of the family, and I received love that I never felt before. Sure, they may have a low financial status, but they are the only group that I actually find comfortable in being around. I know I'm independent, but if I were to be social and be with people, I prefer to be with them. They are the best. That's what I consider a family.

My father's side, however, I don't like it. I don't mean to be rude and disrespectful, but what kind of family is that? I guess...that's their ideal of a family. However, that's totally not the family type I like. If coming over to visit, come over to hang for three hours max. I really don't see what's the point to drag the time for 5-6 hours. They don't come over to really play and share a bond with you. They come over and just sit there. They eat, drink, and talk about unnecessary things. Worst of all, they are nosy. If I were to go on the desktop computer downstairs, people would stare at what I'm doing before they pass.

Other than finding out that my night will be ruined, my father told me that my laptop was broken. To fix it, it will cost 400 bucks, which is really pointless then. "Too bad. You two share the desktop computer then," he told my sister and me.

I just went upstairs and cry. Fine, if I were to share the computer, then don't invite people over to disrupt my concentration, I thought angrily. I'm doomed.

My mother went in, and I pratically yelled at her. "Really, why in the world does he pick today to invite a whole bunch of people over?!"

I hate it. I hate it. Heh, if I see or even hear that a person whom I'm dating holding up a beer or wine or even a cigarrette, there's nothing that will change my mind once I've made a decision.
I hate it.

Ever since I was a preteen, I made a promise to myself that I'll never (and I mean never) make the mistake that my mother has made. She told me once, too, that if I were to find someone, make sure that the person is Catholic and a good person with a good family background. There should not be anyone in the person's family who drinks or anything like my father or his side of the family. And I'm still keeping that mind, because I know that unlike my mother, I'm more independent and strong-willed.

So I was just lying down on my bed, crying with angry tears. Mother insisted on buying a plain, plain laptop with basic uses. I went to sleep.

Half an hour later, I woke up and got ready for scouts. As my mother drove me to my church, she started saying things like, "I don't get you. Maivy (my cousin whom I prefer not to talk to) has a 4.2, and she uses an old computer. She doesn't even have a desk to really do her homework on,and yet she's in gate and helps out her mother a lot. Your dad's cousin's children don't even need help with doing things. They figure out how to fix their computers and save their li xi money for school materials and things they need. You're so reckless on spending your money on clothes. If you haven't bought anything and saved your money, you could easily buy your own laptop right now," she said to me in a cold voice.

Tears just start running down from my eyes. Yeah, if you admire them so much, why don't you adopt some child like that then, I thought silently.

She claims to not be comparing me, yet it is clear that she is. Maivy's in eighth grade and goes to a different district. Heh, I had a letter from gate before, but my mother always complained about driving me, so I had to reject the letter.

And I hate it. Why can't she understand? Heh...and I'm so glad for taking AP Psychology this year. I've learned so much and realized that teenagers with authoriative parents do succeed. My aunt (Maivy's mother) is one of the best mothers I know. She can be strange sometimes, but I love talking to her. So yeah, teenagers with authoriative parents (in this case, parent, since my aunt divorced) do have success and happiness. It's not about the money or wealth, but rather love and acceptance.

And for my favorite cousin in VN? His parents are authoriative, and he's perfectly fine and happy with his life. He's able to learn and follow his passion...

I look at myself...and realize that I have tried so hard to succeed...but have failed each time I tried. I just wish I can have my dreams come true. I'm not sure what I want. There were countless times where I just want to compose a song using my piano right then and there, but I lack skills.

Once I arrived to church, I immediately went to the girl's bathroom and lock myself up. I simply cried and cried.

It's true. Maivy participated in so many church activities...and in return, He has given her things that few people can have. My mother never enrolled me anywhere much. Life is indeed unfair. My aunt is in a bad condition in the wealth category, and yet, she still takes out her money to enroll her dauther in things like for piano lessons and etc.

I failed, and I'm lost in my own mind, my own faith. I'm lost.

I'm not sure if I am lucky in love. As far as I can see as of now, things aren't good for me...so why is my love life good? I might be walking into...a trap that my mother had fallen into.

I don't have good grades, I don't have talents, and I don't have much of anything. I'm just a failure, trying to handle all this pain that will stay with me forever...

9.3 went down to 4.3 in the end.

~jen-jen