♥Daily Blog: There is a Way

I signed on this morning (just now) and got a message from him. I bit my lip while I was waiting for it to appear.
For the first time in like forever, he stopped saying what he would usually say before he goes off.

But I'm just sitting here, no tears. I'm indifferent.

I was expecting the worse, and the worse did come.

I am fine.

Looking at his status, I can see that he's happy. Time for me to go.

Girl: shoutout to my lover Ta Chirayos for being such an awesome personal trainer!!! Thanks for driving/picking me up from school everyday, working out with me at the gym, taking me to dinner, and being the bestest bf in the world!
Boy: (responding to his gf's post) The pleasure is mine :]
Girl: Love you! Upon many many other little things you do for me everyday :)

It's the big things that you do that make a huge impact on how the person will feel, but it's the many little things that you do that will make that person's day, everyday.
15. J is a profound and positive force in T's life, encouraging, promoting, and challenging T to dig deeper, to bring forth
more of T's creativity and talent, to experience life more authentically, directly, and intensely. You have a deep friendship and are able to reveal yourselves quite honestly with one another.

4. The two of you are fascinated by each other and strongly attracted to each other, but the distinct differences in your temperaments also inclines you to periods of personality clashes and misunderstandings. In particular, J often feels that T does not sympathize enough or try to really understand J's feelings.

7. You stimulate and arouse one another's feelings and desires, the physical attraction between you is very strong, and you are quite harmonious and compatible sexually. You are also highly fertile together (assuming there are no organic or physical impediments).
J is very supportive of T, encouraging T to be direct, honest, and expressive of personal wishes and needs. J is also very 'turned on' by T! This can be a very creative union.

I went to sleep at 11PM last night. What a great dream I just had.

Such a hilarious dream, though. I was in class, and the class was almost over. So everyone got up to put their chairs up. We have a sub. We were almost done putting all the chairs up, and the sub got out of the room to do an errand.

THEN, instantly, everyone put all the chairs back down. When the sub entered back into the room, we started to put the chairs up again.

LOL, the sub was confused. She was like "Oh my...I must be seeing things earlier."

I was laughing while dreaming it. What an awesome prank.

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I swear...I don't want to ever wake up. I want to sleep for eternally. Sure there will be nightmares, but there will be good dreams. I can control what dream I want. As long as I don't put my hand or put my heart under pressure, I will be dreaming of nice things.

So much better than reality.

But I woke up this morning with a new perspective.

I'm graduating hs soon. I can't believe it. High school was what I have always loooked forward to.
HIgh school wasn't great, but still, so much has happened.

I discovered that I'm faithful (boy...i thought i wasn't -_- i mean..even though i liked that guy for three years...i still didnt think i was faithful. Faithfulness never came across my mind)

But I discovered that I'm more good than bad. I'm human...I have some flaws, but I can fix them. They're fixable, because I don't likie those flaws either :]

While I was in bed this morning, I started to reminisce about the times of me and him.

I saw him sitting down, leaning against the fence. He pulled me down to sit on his lap and then he rested his head on my head.

Though i was just thinking of it, I felt the feelings that I haven't felt since he last did those sweet things.

The feelings...they were wonderful. Back then...when he was in love with me...i felt it..i felt his love...and it was wonderful. For the first time in a year and two months, i finally felt those amazing feelings I have been yearning to feel again.

And I smiled. I smiled to myself. That was who he used to be. That was when he loved me.

Right now, he's changed. The guy I knew back then...the last thing he wanted to do was to hurt me. He didn't want to hurt me on purpose...he asked if I was okay...he cared.

And this I swear...if I could go back, I would. I would change one thing. No, I would change two things.

I would tell him what I don't like from the start. I would tell him straight out, and ask him directly if he can do that for me. I would ask that before going out with him.

Because then...I could have protect myself from this pain.

And if he said he would do it, I would try my best to prevent myself from acting badly.

When the trust was still holding strong, when the communication was open and sweet...

I would make things better. Maybe then he would love me.
However, there would still be a question of whether he loves me truly or that he just loves me.

So I guess...in the end...

The things that did happen...they DID happen for a reason. He would have never loved me for real. True love? No, he would never have that toward me.

In the end...the things happened...and SHOWED me that his love isn't unconditoinal. He stopped loving me...no matter what the reason was...he stopped loving me, and that was the point.

If you truly love someone, you'll continue to love that person no matter what...even if they do things that you abhor...however..

You wouldn't give up on them, now would you? You still wouldn't hurt them on purpose...

You'll get hurt, but you'll trust the person to love you and be better for you.

The reason why I had to leave this relationship, the reason why I wrote that letter...

It was that I knew. I knew that he no longer loves me. I knew...that he isn't the guy he used to be. There is no sign...of who he used to be. He is a whole new different person. Finding out that he lied to me...it hurt like sh*t, because I gave him one final trust...and even told him that.

And then...he lied to me...again...directly.
A smack on the face, the sound of a gunshot

And to find out that he was with two girls?

Oh boy...Tuan isn't that guy anymore. He doesn't love me, for if he does, he wouldn't do such a thing.

He hasn't learned anything, and he never did improve. He was just doing it, for the sake of it.

But to see him doing the same things again...

It showed me. It showed me that he isn't even thinking of getting back with me. It showed me that he isn't heartbroken..that he doesn't care.

BUT GUESS WHAT

There is hope!

Yes, there is. I know...I used to be oh so darn optimistic...thinking of useless things...

But for the past year, I became the opposite.

It's time to balance. I'm working my way towards on becoming a better person. He wanted a better me, right? He wanted the old me, right?

I'll fulfill that.

I'll fulfill that, out of every bit of my true love for him.

And I'll be waiting.

I'll be waiting...NOT for him...

But for the side he used to be.

...he isn't the same anymore. Whoever he used to be...well that side is gone. That side of him is bound to appear somewhere else...in someone else.

I'll be waiting for that new someone. The someone who has that side...the side that HE used to have.

As for me? I'm not letting anybody take my good side away.

I'm holding onto the side that Tuan liked of me, I'm holding onto that side...

I am...still the same person...

Just an upgraded version :]

I hope that someone will be like...his twin brother or something. LOL I mean...I really like how he looks...

Don't care if he got no good muscles...he's still hot...
Don't care if he's not that tall...

I loved every part of who he used to be.

Even with his flaws...HE TRIED. He apologized...and he didn't even hurt me on purpose.

Now that's the side I want.

Because with that side, I know...I KNOW that he would be better. With that side...he wouldn't be with other girls...because he wants me happy.

And if he wants me happy, I'll do my best to make him happy by becoming a better person.

For now...I just need to sit here and wait.

It's okay. I may never get married, but it's okay.

The good side of tuan...it's gone. It must have gone to another person.

The only way to be drawn to that side again..

Is to find my true self once again. And this time...I will be a better me. :]

So...yeah...kinda hurt a bit from not seeing that "good night" thing.

But...he doesn't love me right? And i expected it right?
And I know that he doesn't want to get back with me right?

It's all good.

For now...I just need to recall the past good things he and i did...I want to find that part of me once again