♥Daily Blog: Song Analysis (edit), My Very Last Thoughts

Oh boy, this shall be a long post. But, i won't be writing so much later so...i'll just squeeze in everything.


I got a cal grant of 10,302 dollars for two semesters IF i attend a UC. other than that, no money awarded for any other colleges. I guess back then students can get money even if they attend community colleges...lucky students, eh?
Apparently the maximum given is 10K, so i got a bit over it..
If i don't go to a uc, then the money is reserve while i go to a community college...so basically i do have money, but i can't use it while i'm at a jc...

To be honest...I don't know about my future anymore, and not knowing where I'll end up makes me feel extremely uneasy.

My plan was to just go to a jc with him...so i can save up money at the same time too..less stress...

Plus in that two year period, he and i can be together and transfer together.

That was my dream. That was my goal. It was the ONLY goal i had in mind.

I was devoted that much, yet in the end, my devotion got me nowhere.

It's best...if he and I are separated now...furthermore, he and i are going to separate later anyway...

It was his choice. It is his choice. He doesn't know where to go yet, but he picked UCI atm, even though he wasn't sure.
I got hurt...I got really hurt. Sure, he doesn't know now and he may be unsure. But, he has to decide eventually. If not, he'll just end up with UCI because he'll just go with the flow and not decide anything. Thus, before he realize anything, he'll end up going there.

Life is indeed short. Yes, go with the flow but...that doesnt mean to just not think and plan anything.

We all have goals, but that's not enough. It's HOW we plan to reach that goal. We have to set steps...alternatives...we have to have an idea on how to get there...we have to take action...

For me, I have a list of goals in mind...i attempt to accomplish all of them before i die. Life passes by quickly...

It bugs me...a lot...it bugs me each time i think about my future.

I'm lost in my path now. Heck, I never told him this but...

Before I met him, I never even thought about establishing a family...didn't even want kids...just thought of myself...

But after I met him, eventually...I started to grow up...and i know this because...i started to think about marriage more often...started to see my responsibility to take care of my spouse when he's sick. I mean...before...I didn't even want to do anything....I was like "Well, he's a man. He can take care of himself even when he's sick."

But then....my thoughts started to change. I started to understand more about love and the feeling of love. If YOU really really truly love the person, do you seriously want to just sit there even if the person can take care of himself/herself when sick?

I started to WANT to do things for him. I started to enjoy the thought of taking care of him...

And...I didnt even want kids. Ugh. But then....as much as he said "Oh, that's up to you. I'll be fine with whatever you want," I know that he would like to have at least one child.

I started to feel the connection. When you have a child with someone, you're establishing a link. And, that child would be a symbol of the love shared between the two people who create it. But of course, love does die....so i guess how the child's emotional well being is the result of whether or not love continued to exist or not.

And then, ironically, I started to even see myself as a mother...started to see him as a father. I started to imagine having a very happy family...something that i never grew up in.

I wanted a happy marriage...a marriage that satisfies both partners.

That became my dream. As much as I loved to sing, to write...

I was willing to make my dream career come second and even third when he and I get married and have a child. I was planning to be a teacher when i have a child. I planned to do my unstable dream career as second hand.

And then...that's when i realize how much i love him...how much i was willing to give up something that I love.

My needs for a loyal person will never change however....because. I need a loyal person. I NEED that kind of person. It's not something that I WANT, i need it...because i realized that...when the person isn't loyal...when the person lies...when the person fools around with the opposite sex...

I realize that I can't live with that. I mean...i almost died...ALMOST....and i didn't even want to die....but...i was so deeply hurt that....yeah...

It's like...you NEED water to survive. Food and water are a NEED. Well...i guess ppl WANT food, but they do need it first.

I think...I'm okay with my life. I'm not happy with it...but...I'm okay...

It's sad...sad that I wono't marry anyyone else...

But...I don't want to reveal my body to more than one person. I dono't want to love more than one person. Ever.

That's the way I live by...

I don't care. I don't care if ppl think i'm crazy...idc what others think about this decision. It sounds insane to them, but I'm proud of this decision, actually.

I'll be more proud to die as a faithful person. If many years from now..and ppl ask about me...

I want answers like "Oh, she is one strange person. She never loved anyone else except the guy she met during her junior year in high school. A very faithful person, indeed."

I value my morals...as long as I stick with them...i'm happy with myself.

Plus, a crush for me...lasted three years.

But love for me...lasts for the entire lifetime.

Anyway...

It's time for me to get out of this fog and into the sun.

He chose to do what he does with other girls over improving to maintain and have an amazing relationship with me.

So obviously, if he wants to be around other girls...talk to them...even though it seems normal to him but KILLS me inside...

Well, I'll let him have it. If that is so important to him, so much more important than being a better person for me...

Then...i'll let him have it. I shall walk away, for i don't want to be a part of that problem anymore. I don't. It's quite obvious..that i don't mean that much to him.

I was willing to have a child with him...willing to do so much...willing to change my dreams...willing to switch the order of my dreams...

(great, now im crying again...)

Well...yeah...

And the interesting is....i would be fine doing those things for him...