♥Daily Blog: Darn Close

The movies...

It was depressing. First time...no cuddling as a couple...

We didn't even share food, this time.

Well, what do i expect? he doesn't love me. never did.

I managed to restrain myself from crying.

Later, it was time for me to go to LQ.

He dropped by at his friend's house and went inside, leaving me out in his car.

5 minutes pass, 10 minutes pass. i waited and waited.

He was keeping me waiting; he was hanging out with his friends.

And then, all these tears started to come out of my eyes. Everything...everything from what he had done to me....the way he kept me waiting and never cared...the way he would not improve...the way the relationship wasn't real...the way things were growing apart...

"I can't believe he's keeping me out here like this.." i thought to myself.

The sun was out of sight and the sky grew dark. i saw ppl driving by; i saw ppl walking by...

It was scary. I locked the car but still..anyone could have jumped in and yeah...

I don't know what went over me. I was sad, angry, bewildered...

So I tried to laugh at myself, and the next thing i knew, i just took the car and drove off. i practiced my parking, and found the low beam lights.

i was lost in my own self though...it was as if i was releasing my feelings into the car...trying to drive..

at least i was safe though...if i hadn't driven...those ppl would have broken in...they looked scary..

i was very careful with the car, however.

furthermore....he didn't come out until 30 minutes later or something, since that was when he found out. the sky was already dark...either i drove around for a bit and have no one kidnap me..or i stay there...waiting for someone to break in the car.

My mind was occupied with many things...

So many things have happened...i just...i just didn't want to cry...

so many things ran through my mind that made me took off.

I just don't know where the relationship is going. I know it was fake, i know that he doesn't love me and...things will never get better since he doesn't want to improve. all of that knowledge broke me...and then...

i just did what i did. was i trying to give him a reason to not hang onto me? was i trying to just not cry? was i trying to do something ridiculous for a change?

Maybe i got tired of being good...even if i were good, he wouldn't change for me.

This frustration, this heartbreak...seem to contribute to the reasons to why i did what i did.

at first, i thought it was just one simple reason: scary looking men were heading my way, the sky was dark...what was i supposed to do? Stay?

But then...i felt that there was something more than to just "get away and be safe"

While i was driving, i felt good...in a bad way. it was like...i'm doing something that's not good for once...maybe of all the times he hurt me...i just wanted to release that pain, that anger.

he kept me out there...he didn't check on me either..

finally...he called me...

i ran out...to find him...it was dark...i shouldn't have gone out but...what was i supposed to do? i guess if i were kidnapped there...oh wells?

i got back inside and...the next thing i knew was that he was there, shaking his head...

he was angry. he slammed the door...

the way he spoke was...violent..

i was scared of him...and...when i dropped me off...he wouldn't even look at me...

the next thing i knew..

i just started to cry in his friend's car...nobody heard me of course but yeah..
i cried.


i know what i did was wrong but..

i just...don't know anymore..