♥Daily Blog: qq

Before I begin, I would like to write something that I find cute.

So today I was in the car with him talking about the job application stuff. When it came to felony, I said that I didn't commit any crime. And then he just laughed and said, "Are you sure?"

Apparently, I commited a crime because I stole his heart.
Now...wouldn't that be funny and cute at the same time if I actually can put that on there?
Anywho...I can't believe he actually said that...that was really cute.

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You know how sometimes you usually doubt certain things to happen, and then they DID happen?

Well, I'm sure those things happen to everyone.

I find it quite amusing after I recall November of last year.

When I first gone out with him, I didn't expect anything.
I thought it will be just a relatoinship, and I turned out to be wrong.
He gave me more than I could imagine. Our communication was surprisingly intense and strong, we grew closer each and everyday, and when things pull us part, he approached and pulled my hand toward him.
We were so comfortable with each other, I told him everything, even the personal aspects of my life. I mean, some things I felt embarrassed about but...he gave me the feeling that it was OKAY to tell him anything. I still remember the time when I thought I had cancer.

The air was full of love, our relationship wasn't "casual"
It was exciting, it was sweet, it was profound, but most of all...it was a real and true relationship.

But...that was so long ago now.

This relationship has grown to be what I did not want...

A casual one, an empty one.

Despite the physical things he do, I just don't feel it.
And as he does things, he doesn't put any feeling in them at all either.

He doesn't laugh the way he used to laugh with me anymore.
He doesn't hug me anymore, and he doesn't like to do things for me.

Even as I smile...I feel hurt smiling because I know that...this is all I can do...all i can do is smile...hide my emotions, shield my feelings.

He doesn't talk sweetly to me anymore, he talks to me differently...the sound of his voice, his reaction, his response..

Maybe he was fake with me from the beginning.

He seems tired of me. I'm a doll, just a doll. Every part of me is exposed to him, inside and outside.

I thought...he and i would grow closer..I thought the relationship will improve...I thought...that his apologies were rule

I'm just a doll, right? After he plays with me, he sets me aside and sometimes go back.

And now, I'm thrown away. He's tired of me, I'm not interesting.

I'm not an open book to him anymore...he's not interested in this book anymore.

I remember that he used to smell my hair a lot (after i shower, of course). He used to smell me and I used to smell him.
I love his scent.

He used to feed me mouth to mouth.
and he used to link my arm to his tightly, so i won't escape.
He used to pick me up.

We used to spiderman kiss, there were many ways that we kissed.
He used to hold me by my bare skin.

he really was interested in me, wasn't he? And he cherished me in a way that no other has ever did. He treasured me; he was concern with my feelings...he didn't care what risk he took...he didn't care it was emotional...he reached me and he was there.

But now, he's just running away. The relationship isn't deep and profound anymore...I feel no emotion, I feel no love.

It's like he doesnt want to marry me.
It's like I'm not really his life anymore.

he's changed. Not for someone better but someone worse. Sad thing is...this affects the relationship badly.

I don't know what's going on in that head of his...

all i know is...

whether he wants to be with me or not, that's up to him.

I've already put myself out there, trying everything...

But he's not coming back.

Everything that was so beautiful and close...has become everything that is dreadful and distant.

Most of the dreams I have about him nowadays...are nightmares.

There was a perfect dream, however...and I remember smiling when I woke up from that dream.

Life is, but a dream or nightmare.

Wanting him is hard to forget, loving him is hard to regret, losing him is hard to accept, but even with all the hurt I've felt, letting go is the most painful yet.

I mean, for a few months, he made me feel as though I actually meant something to someone. :]

Back then, I was afraid to care too much. I fear that he did not care at all.
But now, I care too much, and he really doesn't care anymore.

He always say that he hates to see me hurt, and he hates to see me cry. So...all those times that he hurt me, did he close his eyes?

He asked me what was wrong, I smiled and said nothing. When he turned around , a tear came down my face and I whispered "everything is."

I don't know which one I rather believe...that he never did care or that he eventually stopped.

One of the things that I've always been afraid of is...not being loved back...
And now...I can see that...I will never be loved the way I love him.

I tried to hold onto what he and I had, but he didn't even make an effort. He lied, cheated, and left me to cry all alone once again. And when I return looking more beautiful and confident than ever before, I just want him to realize what he had, and what he may never have again if he really...doesn't use his time...the time given to him...

I'm holding onto something that used to be there, hoping it will come back, knowing that it won't.
I hope that I'm wrong on that last part.

Too often we don't realize what we have until it's gone... too often we wait too long to say "I'm sorry, I was wrong"