♥Daily Blog: January 1st

My day was rotten.

Mother saw him driving me.

I blew up because immediately...i knew i was in trouble.

Once she catches me and him...

there's no turning back. Everything's gone. I can't go out anymore...

funny thing is...i only go outside when i'm with him...
That's why i blew up...
That's why I'm always worried...

What if she catches us? Everything's ruined...
I didn't want that. I want to be able to go to places with him...
However...perhaps he thought that i blew up just because of the fact that my mother caught us...

But in truth...i blew up because i was afraid...
I didn't want a silly thing like this to make things worse for him and me...

Although...I did say some awful things that had no meaning...things that were brief but had nothing to back it up...

I hope...he didnd't take me seriously when i said that "I can never go out with you"
After all...I was crying...could only say so little...
in my mind i had "I can never go out with you to places if my mother catches us."

Anyway...i think due to so many problems on my mind...
my pms becomes active...

If I have so much stress when i have pms...most likely i'll blow up from crying..

I craved for hash browns...

I really don't think...any of this was his fault...everything happened for some reason...

Perhaps now we both know that the place that we always meet up isn't safe anymore...that we need to be more careful and aware...
In the end....I have gotten in big trouble...but perhaps i wasn't punished as i thought i would...

Maybe it was because I was already punished enough. I mean...I didn't let myself freely happy today at all...because i was scared and worried....I didn't have the fun day that i thought i would...

I cried so much today...

I've punished myself already...
Perhaps...that's why...

He was patient with me the whole time...and wasn't stupid at all because he didn't blow up on me when i blew up.
I think he understood me and knew that whatever I was yelling out...I was just yelling out nonsense....
I think he was really patient with me...and....that was the side of him...I actually really like of him...

He didn't blow up on me...he knew that I was very emotional and that I couldn't think at all when the danger sign flashed before my eyes...

He was tired, annoyed...of all my "whining" and "angry issues" but...i think he understood me...

I guess he knew how it felt to know that there may be no way out of a mess...
For today...for my completely ironic and stupid attitude...I'm quite sorry about it...I couldn't help it...

She found out, what was i supposed to do? I was right too...she got freaken mad and yelled at me..

Knott's was fun...but then...he walked without me many times...
Even in lines...i was behind him...shouldn't i be in front of him so he can see me and not lose me?

of course...i didn't say anything...I even kissed him and hugged him...but then...he didn't do much back...i initiated most of the affections.

I messed up his plans but...he was calm about it...yet i was so pissed when my own plans was messed up...

Then again...the thing with my mom messed up both of our plans....
I was unable to focus
And he was unsure on whether to continue today or not...

Anyway...what was worse was that...

He's my first bf...whom I "ran" around with...empty handed...

We were looking for funnel cake...walked around quickly...i was like 6 feet away from him...he didn't even look back....
We weren't running around WITH each other, arms linked or anything...
I was left in a way...

Because with my first bf...he and i ran around to look for something...but he held my hand the whole time and pulled me along. There was a cigarrette smell and he would lead me immediately to somewhere else..

I guess....I had hoped that...with the current lover i have now...with the person whom I really love...
I had hoped that he and i can run around together too...

I guess...when i saw that he didn't really want to be around me while we were searching for the funnel cake...
I realized that...he may not love me as much as i had dreamed he would...because...he's forgetting me...

I mean..think about it...
We were SEPARTATED while we were searching...of course i was mad...well okay...really sad...

He didn't even hold my hand the whole time...it's like...five minutes later THEN he would like give me his arm or hand...
So...what's up with that? Idk...are we...really that romantic couple? the true love one?

Later on...after minutes later..when he offered me his arm (perhaps only because my expression was...bad) i refused to hold because...

I'm not sure if he wants to hold me at all...he ran off without me, didn't look back...
And we weren't linking arms the whole time...

I was sad...
not only that...

We waited for our id pic to be taken and it took forever...

i was cold...i finished the funnel cake...then went to a gift shop and saw lots of hello kitty things =D
At first...I saw a cute mini bear and was about to buy it for him...but then...the quality of the bear was BAD....so like...i rather give him a good one...but i couldn't find a good one...

Then i saw a hello kiitty plush...i only had money for one...so i got it...

But in truth...if there was a cuter bear and better quality...i would havfe bought one for him...i didn't have much money...and idk....seems to me that shopping is the only way to relieve my mind for a bit...

Then i called home...and i blew up again...I've NEVER been so mad before...i mean...the loudness of my voice...my tone...

I couldn't recognize myself...i was super mad...super hurt...super afraid...
I"ve never been like this before...i was pratically yelling...

But...how can i not blow up?

During the whole time i was in a line that was BARELY moving...

I was sooo pissed and uncomfortable.

First of all, MOTHER caught us.
Second of all, things were unsettled between him and me.
Third of all, my bf didn't even treat me like i was his gf at knotts
Fourth of all...MOTHER was yelling at me
Fifth of all, THE STUPID line isn't moving!

All of those issues were not little...they were big...

My family life is stupid
My love life is getting nowhere...
I'm fighting to go with him to places...staying with him when things between him and me are going nowhere..
Ugh, and the line isn't moving!

But...after i hung up the phone...for some reason...my lover hugged me....he told me not to cry....he made me laugh...

I was like..."Am I dreaming?"

He seemed to have...understood me...understood the feelings that i had at the moment...

He was pissed too...

But then...he apologized to me o.o

And...idk...everything felt better...

Because after he apologized...i felt as though...

the only problems i have left...is the family thing...and other stuff...

How sweet can he be? he made me spaghetti...

*sigh* and he gave me the courage to go to front row seats and go on rides that i thought i could not go...

He was...really...cool...

He even drove back to check if i got inside my house...o.o

and even when he was cold from the ride...he gave me his shirt to wear...

But...this is just...one time...right?

idk...

I came home and the ONLY good result was that...
my parents like him O_O so i guess...um...everything did happen for a reason...

I end up punishing myself by having a totally bad day in general (some good things though..) and they end up LIKING him...

BAsically...they're fine with him alright...

I'm just the one...dead meat...

eh...that's stupid though...it's not like i was lying...

i never lie to him...and the only reason now that i would bend the truth is that...i wanted to be with him...

that's the only reason where i would...bend the truth...

other than that...full on truth to everyone..

Now...the question is....

How long is the amazing guy going to be back?

How long is he going to be this way?

By the time school's back...he MIGHT be doing the same things over again...and if he does that...

I WILL leave because...that action will show me that he doesn't love me...

Furthermore....though he apologized....

He never told me that...whether or not...he will be keeping those promises he made back then...

i'm not sure anymore...

all i kjnow is...he apologized...

now the only question and way from here is that...

Does he mean it? Is he goign to act upon it?
That's the only thing left....to know that...he apologized for real or not..