♥Daily Blog: Day Eleven: Explode

Day Nine = Day Ten = Day Eleven

I'll just add more.

I just want to be his everything. I just wish I'm all he needs. I just wish I'm his perfect imperfect person.

I can't seem to find my sense of belonging. I have no place at school, the world, or even at home.

But no one understands me, right.

I have a father who hates me.
I have a mother who has massive jealousy over me and enjoys poking around my closet and my things.
I have a sister who enjoys making fun of me.
I have a boyfriend who's not the same person from back then anymore.
I have classmates who dislike me.
I have just about every single teacher who thinks I'm not smart.
I have no friends, actually.
My close friend has found others.
My best friend (girl, not him) has found a new life.

I have parents who think I'm "young" and cannot decide on my own.
I have a sister who tears down my self-esteem further.
I have someone whom I care deeply...and he broke all the promises that kept me happy and alive and hopeful.
I have classmates who give me weird stares.
I have no friends, actually. Can't trust anyone.
My close friend has gone ahead of me.
My best friend (girl, not him) has lost contact with me.

I forgot my keys this morning. No, actually, I couldn't FIND my keys.
I have no more contacts so I had to wear glasses today. OLD glasses. Yes, I look like a nerd, but I guess I don't care since I don't want to attract anyone. I already have a guy, someone who loves me for who I am and has seen my beauty. Or at least, so I thought.
Whatever.

I wore my boots today. Mom came home to open the door. I tried to hide my boots, but sister told me she found out and now I will be waiting for questions.
Moving out, period. As soon as I turn 18, I can always leave. I need to get away from here. Away from home. Away from HERE.
I don't belong anywhere.

They say my mother yells at me because she loves me and is worried. But ppl shouldn't always believe that.
My mother just WANTS me to do what SHE wants. She doesn't care how I feel or what my thoughts are. She yells at me because I do things that she doesn't LIKE. She never asks me if I'm okay in life or anything. NO.
So who says she yells at me, criticizes me because she loves me? funny, is it really LOVE? Or people are just overusing the word LOVE?

Love is when you actually take a step back and reflect. Accept what you did wrong, and if you really care, you'll apologize to that person...more than just saying a simple "sorry."
One of my teachers told me once that as a parent, he/she realized that a grown up doesn't know as much as a teenager around my age. Well, I guess he/she was referring to me, since I think and analyze.

That's what isolates me from everyone else. People can't fool me with their masks, their attitude.
I look beyond what is there.
Someone whom I don't know much at all..finds that quality to be very unique and amazing of me to have.
Yet, someone who knows me so well (like my bf) doesn't even appreciate that quality of mine.
along with my family, he doesn't appear to love me anymore. Is it really love
Cause it feels empty.

Usually, back then, when I'm depressed and pissed, I would turn to him for comfort. He would be there.
But now, I can't even turn to him. Last time I did...it was the biggest mistake I did.
What was I thinking? He was gone.

I remember the way he would give me a scarf to wear during the icy weather. He gave me gloves.
But most of all...he gave me his arms...he pulled me into an embrace.

I liked rain. Because it used to gave him and me a chance to cuddle and laugh...
So adorable.

I wish the moments back then never became dull. I wish the feelings are fresh.

I thought what he and I had...I thought no one will ever have what he and I had.

And i thought it was going somewhere...just as he and I had hopes to get it going somewhere..

Right now...it is going somewhere...but...it has gone toward another direction.

I love the times when he and I would sit in the car, with our seats pulled back, lying next to each other...eating junk food, laugh, share kisses..

Some things are just too precious to let go, too precious to forget.

But the guy whom I shared all those moments with, he is gone.

I rather die while trying to make a living...

Than to die from trying to withstand all this emotional pain, to deal with ppl judging me...not understanding me.

P.S. I love my Cherry Blossom.