I honestly love him so. I honestly want to be with him forever. He said he'll be with me forever...but does he even want to be with me?
How can I be with him...if he doens't want to be with me?
In truth...I deeply care for him...I do...I really do...and these words cannot say enough about my feelings right now.
Little does he know...I abhor this month. I despise the problems just as much as he does. but have I really caused any problem lately...or is it he the one who's causing all this? One thinks that by avoiding little complications makes things better. But such thinking is vacuous. Everything's pulling him and me apart. Unlike last time, this time...he has no feelings for me whatsover. Unlike last time, this time...he broke promises that were made out of his penance and epiphany.
I wish, with all my heart, that things will be the same again. I wish, with all my heart, that he loves me so. I wish, with all my heart, that he does want to be with me...for by just being with me physically...isn't really being with me.
but no matter how much I desire...how tenacious I am...as far as i can see...things can never be the same, for it has gone too far. He's been walking away from me every night. He has broken promises, and I just realized that...if he breaks those promises...I can picture the things he may be doing now. Even worse, I know one thing he's been doing...and has lied to me.
It has gone too far. There is no sign, whatsover, of the guy I used to know...the true and good guy of him. No sign, whatsover. I despise all this...but the reason why I put up with this because I want to save this relationship...because I LOVE him. But you know what...
I'm the only one who actually cares.
T (6:30:05 PM) : that something is up
How can I be with him...if he doens't want to be with me?
In truth...I deeply care for him...I do...I really do...and these words cannot say enough about my feelings right now.
Little does he know...I abhor this month. I despise the problems just as much as he does. but have I really caused any problem lately...or is it he the one who's causing all this? One thinks that by avoiding little complications makes things better. But such thinking is vacuous. Everything's pulling him and me apart. Unlike last time, this time...he has no feelings for me whatsover. Unlike last time, this time...he broke promises that were made out of his penance and epiphany.
I wish, with all my heart, that things will be the same again. I wish, with all my heart, that he loves me so. I wish, with all my heart, that he does want to be with me...for by just being with me physically...isn't really being with me.
but no matter how much I desire...how tenacious I am...as far as i can see...things can never be the same, for it has gone too far. He's been walking away from me every night. He has broken promises, and I just realized that...if he breaks those promises...I can picture the things he may be doing now. Even worse, I know one thing he's been doing...and has lied to me.
It has gone too far. There is no sign, whatsover, of the guy I used to know...the true and good guy of him. No sign, whatsover. I despise all this...but the reason why I put up with this because I want to save this relationship...because I LOVE him. But you know what...
I'm the only one who actually cares.
T (6:30:05 PM) : that something is up
T (6:30:06 PM) : cause
T (6:30:11 PM) : i knwo the way u talk to me
J (6:30:35 PM) : lol
J (6:30:41 PM) : silly boy
J (6:30:46 PM) : whatcha doing
T (6:30:53 PM) : are u ok jen?
T (8:05:24 PM) : soo
T (8:05:26 PM) : tell tuan
T (8:05:34 PM) : tell ur best friend :P
J (8:06:07 PM) : lol
J (8:06:49 PM) : it's ok
J (8:06:53 PM) : soooo
J (8:07:04 PM) : how was basketball
T (8:07:09 PM) : it was ok
T (8:07:11 PM) : i won :]]
T (8:07:14 PM) : haha
T (8:07:19 PM) : stop changing the subject xD
T (8:07:21 PM) : tell me xD
T is available (7:27:11 PM)
Hamster Couple!!!!!!!
Hamster Couple!!!!!!!
T (7:26:54 PM) :[Offline IM sent 1m ago] HEY THERE SWEETY!!!!
T (7:26:59 PM) :[Offline IM sent 1m ago] :]
T (7:48:10 PM) : i need money for my gf xD
T (7:49:58 PM) : idk how it supports u
T (7:49:59 PM) : xD
T (7:50:02 PM) : i just know
T (7:50:11 PM) : ill be able to get u nice things xD
T (7:52:04 PM) : my treat
T (7:52:17 PM) : my someone really really ultra fucken special :]
J (7:52:40 PM) : lol...
J (7:52:51 PM) : sweet of u
J (7:52:54 PM) : but i just want u
T (7:53:21 PM) : u just want me?
T (7:53:22 PM) : xD
J (8:57:02 PM) : hey i'm going to just take some time on my own right now
J (8:57:03 PM) : mk?
T (8:57:29 PM) : umm kays
T (8:57:36 PM) : ull be back to me right????
T (8:57:37 PM) : :]
J (10:09:30 PM) : what were u doing
J (10:09:31 PM) : lol
T (10:09:51 PM) : waiting for u to tell me wats wrong xP
I'm thankful...for having good convos with him before.
T (10:42:23 PM) : i dont want u to cry x.x
T (8:23:02 PM) : yes mam! :]
T (8:23:07 PM) : ure the boss :]
T (8:48:32 PM) : yeah
T (8:48:40 PM) : afj;sdf
T (8:48:46 PM) : ahhhh >>.><
T (8:48:47 PM) : ok
T (8:48:52 PM) : lets solve this
J (8:48:56 PM) : lol
J (8:49:00 PM) : i never had fear
T (8:49:03 PM) : will u be direct with me or not?
T (9:17:27 PM) : insecurity
T (9:17:35 PM) : it is b/c of that
T (9:17:41 PM) : that u cant tell anything
T (9:17:46 PM) : *somethings
T (9:17:51 PM) : and
T (9:17:52 PM) : then
T (9:17:56 PM) : if i dont know
T (9:17:56 PM) : then
T (9:18:02 PM) : i cant attempt to solve it
T (9:18:17 PM) : its at least worth giving an attempt to solve it
J (9:18:35 PM) : *sigh* it's because even when i told u things
J (9:18:41 PM) : u don't do much about it
T (9:18:55 PM) : does that apply to all the times?
J (9:19:11 PM) : pretty much...
T (9:19:16 PM) : so
T (9:19:18 PM) : all the time
J (9:19:23 PM) : most of the time
T (9:19:31 PM) : ok fine most of the time
T (9:19:32 PM) : but
T (9:19:33 PM) : what if
T (9:19:38 PM) : u nvr give me a chance
T (9:19:41 PM) : to try to solve it
T (9:21:16 PM) : did u read my email carefully?
T (9:21:32 PM) : one of the promise that i made
T (9:22:15 PM) : u know
T (9:22:20 PM) : its one of those promise
T (9:22:23 PM) : that takes a lifetime
T (10:31:08 PM) : *well i can do whatever i want
T (10:31:08 PM) : but
T (10:31:12 PM) : i kinda care for u
T (10:31:22 PM) : so
T (10:31:27 PM) : i really cant do what i want
T (10:31:28 PM) : cause
J (10:31:29 PM) : kinda?
T (10:31:37 PM) : expression
T (10:31:46 PM) : u know how teens talk these days
T (10:31:51 PM) : i do care for u
T (10:31:58 PM) : so
T (10:32:06 PM) : i have to think about u
T (10:32:10 PM) : and how it will affect u
He's...thankful...for tomorrow...
I can't...do this...anymore...
he's given me...enough hints...
I never realized...he would leave...
I never realized...that he would break his promises...
I never realized...he said that...to me...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9:00PM, Thursday November 27, 2009
....
I woke up today and received a message from a friend. The message said "I'm thankful for Jennifer because she is a good listener."
My day started off great...well, okay, just good. Seeing that message made me feel...I don't know...special. I guess that in a way, I do help my friend...I listen. I listen to what the person has to say...
I never knew that...listening...would make me...special. Perhaps that is a good thing about being suchh a quiet person (:
After sleeping for 14 hours...I felt...a bit better from hearing "You're just a burnt piece of trash" from the day before.
I had to go out today...I was somewhat disappointed. I tried to come home as soon as possible though. It was Thanksgiving, after all. I hope that this Thanksgiving...I get to spend some time with my lover! The years should be better, right? That's the only way to improve.
.................................................................................................................................
I opened my cell phone and checked for the time. 3:10
Shoot.
As my dad drove us home, I was hoping...crossing my fingers "Please, please, please let me see him today."
The moment I stepped into the house, I signed on. Okay, he left me some messages...not sweet but...eh okay. I replied.
He never came back.
He never replied either.
I just broke down and cried. What was I supposed to do? For once...does he even care...? I always have to adjust to his time...can't he see that? Can't he see that I really treasured us?
Yet...I don't believe this...
I don't know...if I should be furious with my parents today...
Should I have stayed home...alone...waiting...for three hours?
Today is the worst thanksgiving of my life so far. He never strives for the better, doesn't he? The only way to be better is to strive for more. "Thanksgiving was the same as last year," he wrote.
Wow. So Thanksgiving should be like that every year. And every year should be the same or worse.
He broke his promises...why the hell am I still here? He broke every single promise...WHY. THE. FREAKEN. BEEP. AM. I. STILL. HERE?
Okay, deep breath, Jen. Deep breath. Calm down.
Alright. Let's think this through. He made promises because he wanted to see a bright future in us. He went to work, because he wanted to get me nice things.
But now...he broke all of his promises. Isn't that a sign? He doesn't love you anymore, Jen. He doesn't. He wants freedom now...shouldn't you let him go? That's what he want, right? He has become the person you once knew...the bad side, that is.
He's not going to stay up for you, anymore. His sleep means a lot to him; your sleep is nothing to him. Your tears carry nothing to him.
I guess, deep in my heart...the reason why I keep mentioning "you broke your promises" is because...deep inside...I truly wish that the phrase was wrong.
I truly wish that he didn't break any of his promises. What am I still doing here? He broke his promises. Isn't that a sign? There's a reason for that. The reason why I was happy was because of those promises...because he put in effort for him and me.
Why...am I still doing here?
He doens't want to be with me...he doesn't. She was right...she was right all along...
"Jen, don't listen to him only. Look at his actions. Believe him when he actually proves it to you with actions. If he truly loves you, he'll be patient with you. He will prove you wrong, and once he does that...he'll win your trust forever...as long as he keeps his words. He would be patient for that, because once you're secure, it will be very satisfying for him."
Sometimes...I stare out into the sky...and wonder..
Why can't I tame him?
Answer: He's not yours.
I cna't tame him...he doesn't care about my feelings...and...he would leave me for sleep...he would.
He's not all mine anymore...
I just...can't tame him...he broke all of his promises...
no...
he broke...all of his promises...i cna't...i can't do this anymore.
