♥Daily Blog: Can't Help but Cry

"A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality."

I couldn't help crying throughout church. I couldn't sing with full energy.

I'm just too...depressed.

As I went back to the old IMs...I realized that...he had wanted to spend time with me...just me...for his birthday...just us...on wednesday...and then...there will be a full day on saturday...

just us...

but..a few days ago...apparently...he'll be..having his friends...too...

It's as if...my hands are tied...i am chained to this..

Hoping...that things can be the same again...

I may never...be his best friend...I am...just his lover...

Everytime the relationship begins to fall, it is always him...the one who lets it fall...

And I am...always the one trying to keep it together...

When there's a problem...he refuses to talk about it...

Our communication....has weakened...so much...

He may never...look at me the same way again...

He may always...have that...assuming...conflicting...image...of the person he perceives of me..in his mind...

And we may never...be the same again....

As...I will always...be the last thing on his mind...

As I will never...smile again.

I thought...I wouldn't go through that period again...

But here I am...going through it...just a different version of it...

Though I still have him...I've lost...

Us.

"Shouldn't the guy do more? Why are you always the one doing so much...has he ever love you with all his heart..?

I've lost...us....

And I know...I will never smile...the same way again...

And perhaps...I am a broken girl now...

No matter what others say...I know who I am...

All I know is...I've lost us...I've tried everything I could come up with...and...the email...didn't move him at all...

I wonder what his reply is...

Perhaps...by no aim messages when i signed on today...

Perhaps..that is his reply...that he chose the other option...

For...knowing him...knowing the guy who used to be there...he would always leave me messages before he heads off to work..

And knowing that guy...an email like that...would..make him happy...

I've....failed. He doesn't even want me to go to the same college as he goes...he's been pushing me away...won't let me buy...what I want to buy for him..

I wonder...

What are his thoughts...about the things i wrote...

Is there anything left...for me to do...

A new year has started for us...and this year...is starting off in the opposite direction...from last year

There's no turning back time to that Sunday...what happened..on our anniversary day...stays that way...permanently..

And...the chances of him making up that day...are close to zero...based on how things have changed now.