I was crossing the street and as mother turned and I walked across the street, I saw her and she waved to me. I waved back.
Seeing her at this time meant that she had taken the half day off to go out to the lawyer for my father.
So...it's done.
Now my concern is...
Where will I be? Will I be still living in this house?
Or...move to another state?
There's no turning back now. I'm very much unsure about what will happen.
But...will he be okay if I really did move to another state? Lately, I can feel that he's not in love with me. I mean...I guess he loves me...but not IN love...
So...I don't know...of course, I don't want to leave. No matter what, I have and always will love him. Though it's common to see this in a boyfriend, he doesn't complain driving me to places. Although I hope he will continue to be this way (patient and doesn't complain) in the future...
Nevertheless, he helped me a lot. Though...his love has changed.
But overall...
What's going to happen...? If the bad possibility happened...I want to know now...so I can do all that I can do...before leaving.
And if the good possibility happened....would he be happy?
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I miss the yesterday's sun
The rainbow, the moon
Not long ago, the two lovebirds would do anything for each other...
And although one bird loves the other bird more, the other bird begins to come around and want to do as much as he can for the other bird to be happy.
Beautiful promises were made...and they proved to be stable...
I have a yen for his genuine smiles...I have a yen for his core...
I miss the laughter of yesterday's past, the tears that were shed and brought us closer
And the wonderful letters, the letters of each desired word...
I miss the days where we watch the passing clouds...feeling the wind blowing against us...lying side by side...trying to resist the temptation to make love...
But then there were these true love kisses, the warm voices...his gentle sound...each word he speaks...with that soothing voice of his...engulfed me into its beauty and fantasy
And...though she was the one always crawling back....there was a time when he was the one who crawled back...surprised her with a beautifully typed up message...
It sent her crying...but crying for joy...for happiness...she was touched...she felt loved...
But yesterday is gone...there are no more rainbows...the sun is cold...the moon is in shadows
I look back at our pictures to relive the moments...but no matter how many times i relive them...i still wish those moments...that wonderful feeling...is still here and alive
Yesterday is gone and in the present...i receive sharp tones from him...letters never to be given...the sweet little messages before he goes...the gentleman who stepped back and took in all of my yell-ings...without saying a word but instead...looked beyond my anger to narrow what was bothering me...the guy who saw the reason behind my anger and eased it...
the guy who cared enough to find a solution for us....
the man who was in love with me
the person who has put me in the center of his world.
there are no more pictures...no more laughter...no more smiles...no more quiet time...no more of those happy days...
and even until right now...this second...this day...
i still long for the core...trying to reach for it....as a person trying to fly...
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One of my old teachers turned out to be the nicest teacher this year...
And he was the teacher who was mean to me....o.o
But the point is...after seeing him...the way he greeted me...I suddenly realize what I want...
I'm just basically a sensitive person....a very sensitive person...genuine true and warm words/actions make me happy...
I realized that...this teacher has been looking forward to reading and helping me on my novel...
And...I realized that...I have something to fulfill...
I dont know...where life is going to take me. But I truly want to publish my novel...it carries my dreams...my imagination...MY world.
After seeing him, I found my own strength. I will do...what I have to do.
1. I will move out once I'm 18...IF my parents are still living together and I'm still living with my father.
2. I will move out if my mother is overbearing. I still love her...still help her with the money if she needs it...but...I just can't live with her.
I cannot live with someone/people who are not compatible with me and my views.
Perhaps this is why...I always cringed when anything "Asian/Viet" comes up. It's because I'm living with this Viet family whom my father is a traditionalist...authoriatarian...
I don't want to live that life any longer. I want to pursue a life with the person I love...a life of joy...compromise...understanding...and true love...support
I want to live with someone who is compatible with me.
As much as I love my boyfriend very much...the important thing is if whether or not he's in love with me and will always be in love with me...and if he's happy loving me
Being in love means to compromise, listen, and doing anything to keep the other person happy and to keep the relationship healthy.
Lately...I don't think he's in love with me...although I am not sure...but...I have enough experience to know when someone is in love and when someone isn't.
My strong desire to leave the house motivates me to finish this novel.....to learn music better...
And I hope I can find someone who will take the time to help me tune this guitar and teach me how to play the guitar...anything..anything to support me and help me accomplish this dream...
but aside from that dream...my main and major dream is him. I want him to be proud of me...love me...i want him to treat me as his princess...i want to feel special and lucky...i want to be happy...and I want him to be happy in pursuing to make me happy...
I want to be one of those rare people who can make something of their life...to not only pursue my happiness...but to pursue my happiness through pursuing his in my own lady-like way.
