♥Daily Blog: Enough is Enough (Pt.2)

The doll is gone. I've been outbid.

I'll never get the doll.

I'll never get the costume.

Nor the pics from prom...nor the pics from the studio...

nor the yearbook, nor get rid of the stains from my purses

nor will i make it to national honors society

nor will i do lipsynch right

nor will i reach my goals and dreams

no...part time job...no money

The world belongs somewhere

But I don't belong anywhere. A boyfriend who yells at me, a boyfriend whom i can't even tame, who doesn't love me where he will step back and listen to me. no, i can't even yell at him...no...he doesn't love me...he thinks of himself and others more than me, and then he would ask, "so what about you?" when i tell him that.

if he loves me, and he's a gentleman, if he truly loves me...he wouldn't ask that...he wouldn't care...because all he wants to do is love me...and that's all that matters...

but...no...

and as i observe for many days, lucky girls get to do whatever they want...and their boyfriends wouldn't complain or retaliate...and even if the girl is wrong...the guy would just mention to her gently...and if she's stubborn, he tries to understsand from her point of view.

but...i can't do that. i am not lucky, and yet i've fallen in love with him...someone who...now...treats me...as a nobody...

perhaps i am just a manikin to him...i cna't tame him...at all...if i were to leave...would he follow me...try to reach me? no...he wouldn't...

he's not afraid of me...bc...he would fight back...he would give this annoying sigh...or say "not this again"

i hate it.

then there's my family. i wish i were smart and get scholarships easily...i wish i could go out back then so i can join these clubs...i wish people would stop looking down on me.
i want...to move out so badly...

my friend will be going to a school faraway...i can't get an apartment with her...i don't even know what school i want to go...

i wish...

and back then...i would dream all these things...that i would go to a uc and live in a dorm...succeed in my music career...writing career...publish my first book by senior year...

and all of that...are torn...right before my eyes...

was it him that got in my way? no...

my dream guy came...but then...it all disappears...

everything's different...the plans were from senior year and on...and...all those goals...those dreams...are gone...

with no one to support me...no one to love me...and no one to care and understand me...

i feel...very much alone...and i have absolutely no one...no one at all

i am slow...stupid...forgetful...i have forgotten so much...names of my favorite tv shows, songs, artists....i don't understand...

and...how stupid i was to...put the pen inside my purse like that...

i am so stupid...a stupid child...i'm still a child...i don't know anything...

i am no happiness for anyone...but i'm a nightmare to everyone...a burden, an embarrassment.