♥ Daily Blog: Quietness

Two days in a row. Now it's really time to wonder.

He seems a little self-centered. He never looks at the problem straight in the eye but just wants to brush some dirt on it and call it "fine".

Why must he have so much potential and good character inside of him but unwillingly unlocks them for good use?

Relationships are about getting through problems and if you can get through them intact then that's when it's deep.

His level of understanding isn't there. Not the same as mine.

The way he puts things...I'm being blamed for worrying over stupid things. Yet, why does he compare to others...after all...he broke my trust...I have to heal for him...

I've let that one slide. Now he's taking advantage of that one time. Why can't he show me that he's worthy of my trust? I've done so much just to let him know. But he does nothing and simply asks for it.

"If you were reallly doing something good for someone out of sincerity, would you really rub it in his or her face?"

Why does he rub it in my face...it's like..he's doing it not for me but rather to make him look good and feel good about himself. When I do things for him, I do it for him...and I feel good about myself for making him happy...

but he doesn't do that out of sincerity...doing it for himself...

He's trying too hard. Too many other significant things before me that...he wouldn't take the time to clear his mind and find the answer without trying too hard.

"If he knows what hurts you, why is he doing this? Two days in a row. If it's one, let it slide. A mistake. But two times? Now that's something to pay attention to."

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i'm lost in what i want to do and where to go. i'm afraid no matter what...even if i do go to occ, i might have to stay there for three years also...what if...what if...

plans to go that kind of fit for the both of him and me:

UC San Diego: his majors are included most definitely (quite good though..he might be well-pleased). psychology and/or performing arts are quite good. only thing missing....is teaching D: (tied with cal state long beach)

UC Irvine: has his majors and pysch is very good...performing arts....not as good as UCSD's
NOT a very good teaching major either (UCI-last on list. if i go there, i'm gonna die from JUST a trigger of the past)
so sad...i always wanted to go to UCI >.< darn life

Cal State Long Beach: his majors are NOT bad. majority of ppl who aren't rich go there for bio
hm...stanley went there for psych...and he's GOOD. also...teaching is there too...i think. music is quite okay.

Cal State Fullerton: teaching...but someone goes there...fjdkfjffd ugh...but after looking at my teacher from there...not that good of a teacher. (second to last on the list)

UC Berkeley ONLY is good for his majors, mine is NOWHERE included. so i say no to uc berkeley

looks like it's either cal state long beach or uc sandiego. UC Sandiego has many catholics..near a church too! i might see some ppl I know from my scouts.

but...i don't know what i want to be yet...so far...these schools i've chosen...were mainly for him...what i think he can go to and be pleased..and these schools ALSO has some of my interests...but...idk...what i want to be yet...i think i just wnat to be a psychology teacher...i love psychology but i loveee teaching too...that can be my stable job once i'm old and stuff....


but what aobut...occ? three years? i'm...so unsure...he'll leave me again...

but right now..i'm confused. he said we'll last...right now..things dont look too well...

i still have...some decisions to make...

where will he and i go from here?

so far...things don't look too well...

he has by all means...avoided me and done things that i've never even thought he would do...

even worse...the list of TOP REASONS IF HE'S THE ONE is still in tact...the core...contains 90% of that list!!!!! NINETY PERCENT.

Sentimental part (not in list) falls under "understanding" etc. so technically...the core contains a lot from that list already...the many things i love to have from him falls under the list already now that i actually think beyond the understanding etc part.

loyal and honesty fall under "Understanding" and also under "true love" (not listed) lol i mean thinmk about it...true love...if he truly loves me...he'll always be honest with me and faithful (:

man...if i get the core already...i'll feel secure right away...without a doubt.

eh...

headache...i'm forgetting a lot lately...forgetting the things about him...-_-

really strange...i just can't seem to remember much anymore...i might have a temporary amnesia if i try to repress too much...

oh man....DFKJDKFJDKFJ i can't remember when i first met him! how can this be???

gahh my head's exploding. maybe i'm worrying too much and having unresolved issues with him..

no...i'm afraid.

He doesn't love me the way he used to anymore.