♥ Daily Blog: Quietness (Pt.3)

I can only let it out here.

I absolutely have NO ONE whom I can lower the barrier to.

I'm rejected everywhere. F@@# being nice and considerate and whatever.

Even when I try to explain how I feel, I get spit in the face.

There is no gentleman and lady here. Gentleman doesn't even let the woman have her way.
haha

"You're wearing the pants."

why yes i am (:

i'm not a good daughter, i'm a stupid student, i'm some "anti-social" girl, I'm some overbearing girlfriend

and guess what?

I'm not even a lady! hahahaha

man, who am i? who are u? haha i actually forgot his name for a second there...man....

defense mechanism number 1: REPRESS

let's see how that goes.

repress repress repress

though i'm not a lady, i am a fool.

down the list i go:

he does disappear when things aren't perfect.

he doesn't understand me, for he doesn't try to see my side of things. he's not a gentleman. jen HAS to see his side of things or else! He's seen me cry and upset a hundred times before, and he doesn't try to calm me down and make me feel better.

HOWEVER, he does tell those three words "I love you" but does he mean every word? apparently, he overused the word love because he said he loves me when he doesn't in the beginning. there was NO special time where he actually gets nervous and stares into my eyes and say those three words perfectly. So the question is, does he L O V E me?

He does show me his feelings by driving me and waking up early for me. However, there are some things that he doesn't show.

Sometimes I feel like he treats me as his buddy outside and not as his girlfriend in public.

He doesn't listen to me. There are times when I talk to him and then he just interrupts me out of nowhere. I don't have his undivided attention. When I talk to him about serious things, he has television in the background or whatever. It's a sign that he's NOT interested in how I feel and what I have to say.

He doesn't look too happy when he's with me. He doesn't look like he's in love or attracted to me.

He does compliment me, though.

He does take care of me, but mainly my external needs.

His friends don't like me, and his family doesn't like me either. I don't get a good welcome or hello. I am just another person. An outsider. That's how everyone treats me as.

When he asks for my opinion, he doesn't consider it and put it in good use. When important decisions are at stake concerning him, he does go ahead and decide on his own what he thinks is right.

He is interested in what I want too, but he takes only the easy ones and refuses to be interested in what I really, truly want.

He doesn't make me feel special, for I never ever have recieved flowers from him or a card for "just because". Yet, he does make me feel special in other ways...i guess.

All this shows is that...he will never give me the core.

If I am not worthy to recieve what makes me happy, then he is not worthy to recieve my trust, for I have thought that he has decided to out do me.

And he hasn't.

He has forgotten many of his words.