♥Daily Blog: Not an Expectation but Rather a Hope

I cried last night.

I cried today.

I also was able to hide my tears from him while I was with him.

I waited for him. I waited. I called. I was lost.

I'm starting to forget my places, my positions, where I am.

Lately, I've been blinking every now and then...confused in where I was going...why I was here...

I got lost in my own school...my directions...my spatial awareness...is...completely torn apart for the first time.

He didn't give me any passionate kiss...a real kiss...we didn't hug that much...something is wrong...something's going on...

I went to the Korean BBQ with my family, since my mother's staff is having a night out so we all ate for free.

As I walked out of the car and heading toward the restaurant, I saw the fortunate woman...with her true love. They were almost 40, yet their love was so young, so sweet, so full of romance...so full of happiness. They were holding hands and swinging them back and forth. It was as though they were dating, except they were actually married happily in reality.

They left their children at home for the wife's parents to babysit. Apparently, the lovers always go out together as if they were still young and very much in love...they go to places together...they take plenty of pictures...they do many romantic things...there was always something new...and the beautiful things were also repeated.

The bbq was okay. Fish and meat. So much fat. Nasty. So I ripped a LOT of fat out. ugh.

After we were done eating, we got up and started to leave. The husband was waiting patiently while he was holding an expensive looking bag for his wife, for his beloved wife was saying good-bye to her friends.

My family went out to the car. Dad started the ignition, but it won't start. Our first guess was the battery power. Mother went to ask her lucky happy friend for help.

The husband (buff, strong, healthy looking, formally dressed) came to help. He was a good man. His voice was calm and pure. He used appropriate language and spoke as a gentleman. He was very helpful.

Though we barely know him, he helped us call for someone to tow our car. And, with his quick thinking (unlike Dad's in which all he does is call), the man looked in the newspaper for anything. Sure enough, there was something.

I wish he were my father. He was kind and understanding. His voice was gentle and calm. I wish he were my father and give me hope that someday I will find a man just like he is...that I will find a man who truly cares about my emotions and my needs. A man who can take care of me and be patient with my introvertedness. A man who has a schedule and takes care of his dates with me...random dates...random hangouts...A man who shows me that he loves me more than I can ever love him. The husband offered to bring my mother, my sister, and me a ride home.

Okay, the minivan was AWESOME> It was silver...just the way my dream car will be like. It was very beautiful minivan with black leather seats. There were only five seats (duh it's a minivan), which was perfect. The car has a very warming and lively scent. I love the smell of the car inside. Everything was neat and everything was cleaned. No messiness. No dirt, no stray marks. no nothing. A rosary was hung in the front along with a beautiful crystal on top of the cd/radio statioin.

Beautiful.

It was my dream car.

I finally understand what my dream is. During the ride, I saw the husband sneaking charming smiles to his wife, and his wife returned them. So peaceful...so full of love...

The man paid attention to me, surprisingly. "What grade is the oldest child in?" he asked my mother.

"Twelth grade," my mother answered.

"Oh wow...," he replied. He kept repeating what my mother said and my mother was now talking to the wife. I was the only person who heard what he said.

"She's a very smart girl. She's very smart."

Such simple words...yet...for some reason, I felt warmth and encouragement. I felt noticed...my self-esteem went up...but it went down for I know that I wasn't smart.

The man seemed to have read my thoughts right there, for he said again, "She's a very smart girl."

My face grew hot. I felt warm. It was the way he said it, the tone, the meaning in his voice. He meant it.

The way he said those words...I felt as though my Creator wanted me to know that so I won't look down at myself anymore.

I don't know...

The perfect husband, every woman's dream to have...

His english was spoken fluently and formally. It was appropriate. He wasn't conceited nor did he gave up. He helped in all that he could.

He has a pure heart. I know that because I would do the same.

But...they are Catholic. The wife's parents have dedicated themselves into doing many charities and have been involved in the church for many years. As a result, this woman became so fortunate and ended up with her perfect husband and true lover...

They make everyone happy.

I look at them...and I can always see the dream that I've always had.

I wanted to experience that feeling. I wanted that feeling for eternity. It makes me happy...when I'm happy I can make others happy...I want my lover and I to be happy so we can help others...

I am a dreamer...is there a sin for that? Unlike many people, I dream a lot...I imagine...I hope...

What I wish I'll have one day isn't an expectation. It doesn't even feel like an expectation.

It's not a requirement....

it is happiness that comes to a person who deserves it. It is the true love that flies to the person who deserves it.

It is hope.

And I keep hoping...hoping that someday I can experience and forever feel the warmth that I have felt today.

It feels so nice...to have someone who can say something but can put such faith and meaning so well.

The happiness and the love the lovers have given to each other...I saw my dream...right before my eyes.

I realized that...

I really hope to see and my lover hand in hand everywhere we go...arm in arm...being affectionate to each other...making each other happy with that wonderful warmth. I want a romance that lasts forever...because that's when you know that true love has come to you.

I look at myself and I shake my head.

"No, Jen, you don't deserve it. You have sinned so many times. Your family isn't involved in charity much. You don't participate and help in the church at all. Why would the mighty God give you such luck...you don't deserve it."

It is the dream that brings me to life. Knowing that I will never have it coming true...is a cross for me to carry...for the rest of my life.

I love too much, but I am not loved more or even as much. At least...I do not feel that way. The reason for that is that I am always the one who waits for him...always the way who tries to suggest things...plan...plan for something that reveals that I'm the one who wants to see him...

I am always the one...trying...and doing something...

I don't understand...

What does he see of us later on? Will we still be holding hands no matter how crippled we get? Will I be in his arms while he and I are staring out at the peaceful sea? Will we be dancing...will we be traveling happily...will our love be youthful...

who will he be?

I love him so much, but...aside from all the things he has done for me...

what else has he done that reveals his love, concern and understanding of who i am...what i need...my emotions...? what else has he done...besides the promises...?

There seems to be the side of him that I can never have. The core. MY perfect imperfect guy...the actual one...the one who gives the core...

He has that side of him...

But that side of him is my never...

Right now...he's not open to me...there are things...that he won't say...

The side of him...

The guy in him...THE guy...

My Never...

Will you think of me in time? It's never my luck, so nevermind.
I want to say your name, but the pain starts again
It's never my luck, so nevermind.

I had a dream that you were with me
It wasn't my fault.
You rolled me over, flipped me over
Like a somersault
And that doesn't happen to me, I've never been here before
I saw forever in my never
And I stood outside his heaven

Will you wait for me in time?
It's never my luck, so I'll say nevermind.
And I've lost a lot of what I don't expect to ever return
I tend to push them until the pushing's gone from hunting to burn
I always take them to the place I wanted them to go
Then end up dancing around
This clown commands applause at a show

And I could only dream of you and sleep
But I'll never see the sunlight again
I can try to be with you
But somehow I'll just end up losing you
I can only reach for you
Relate to you
I'm losing you
Where did you go?

I stood outside his heaven
Won't you let me into your heaven?

My Never