♥Daily Blog: Marriage? (Pt.2)

Sometimes I feel like I can never get anything that I truly really want for the longest time.
Mother makes a fuss about who i am and what i do.

He makes me feel so low, as if I am some child who's spoiled and bratty.

I withdraw. I don't wish to be open anymore. I'm confused in what I can do and inwhat I want to do.

I can't even get a job. I hate it when I accept things from someone and later he or she rubs it in my face or later puts things in a way that makes me feel so low about myself...as if I can't really accept anything from anyone anymore...even if it's a gift or meant to be given sincerely.

But...see...if things were to be given with sincerity, the person shouldn't be rubbing it in or sounding as if he or she regrets it.

I stop accepting thing. I don't want to be open anymore.

I feel so low of myself.

Mother has put me down already, and now him? I'm also putting myself down too.

When someone says something like "you need to be patient and wait for better things to come," he or she is saying no (though i didnt evfen ask) in a polite manner.

I have left many things...

I can't even get a job so i can spend just a bit of my money for myself. I've wanted that necklace for five years....always looking for it in stores...on websites...suddenly i found it and it was "the one"

throughout five years...the only i ever stumbled upon costed 40 bucks.

This one was only 13 bucks...

I wasn't even mentioning the website to him so that he can get it for me. I was hoping to borrow some money and pay him back once it ships to him >.<

lately he accepted my money, which means he's a bit broke.

i don't think...i'm comfortable with him taking me to places anymore.

I've wanted a Mulan doll ever since i was 4 or whenever. i've alwas wanted one...and i had to get the fighting Mulan doll for temporary...no one ever gave me what i wanted. my presents were always full of cheap things that were given just so the givers can see themselves nice.

selfish.

clow cards. i like the images in the cards. I like to draw, create, absorb ideas up close. i wanted those since i was 10

Certain people think i'm some brat. They don't say it, but I think I know a little of what they're thinking or seeing me as.

I know that there are children in poverty who can't get anything.

So I might as well live in poverty.

Heck, there were times when I gave out money to the church when I barely had any money.

I'm not selfish.

But I feel as if...I can never get what I really want. Ever...

I get what I need...but...sometimes i don't get all that i need...

Right now...I need light. I need happiness. I need true love. I need emotional security. I need enlightment. Because without them, I am currently dying.

My soul is dying. I cry every night. Right now I still cry. It's not always about him...it's always about the future...the past...the present...family situations...conflicts with my own self.

Perhaps I am still struggling with my own self...trying to search for someone who will understand the reason behind the things I do...
Because I feel so low of myself. I feel as if I'm a brat but I'm not. I rarely ask for things. Even putting it out there and not asking, ppl assume that i'm asking for it which i'm not.

i guess i'm sharing what i'm looking at and what i like too much?

I want to withdraw myself once again.

Besides, it would be very nice if he can use the coupons for himself. Though as much as I really want to use the coupon for a book since i'm so out of money and i NEED coupons to save money...it's really disappointing when i can't get it..

but...i think i'm doing a good thing if i give him the coupons so he can use for himself. i think he needs to learn to love books...because one day i'll be an author for sure...and i would like him to read novels and novels that i love too...

bc...books and music keeps me alive...they keep my soul alive...for temporary...just temporary...

see...i not only WANT the core...but i NEED the core...bc receiving it brings me happiness...true happiness...true love...and much more...

My soul has been dying all these years.

I'm fitting into my favorite seventh grade jeans. I'm getting skinnier for some reason. I eat full meals...

Perhaps...lack of sleep?

perhaps there's no such thing...as dreams coming true...

i don't ask for the world...i ask for a few things...important ones...dreams..

but after all this...

maybe i won't even be happy if i do get the things i really want and need...

because i feel low of myself.

i don't deserve it.

i was never meant to deserve anything good.

i was meant to wait forever in a hopeless hope that i will someday get something better.

in the end, when i die, i'll be still waiting.