♥ Daily Blog: Perhaps

Things just never come out as I plan or hope.

Not so sure why I feel the little teardrops falling down from my eyes right now.

Maybe I can never get what I hope for, and perhaps I never will.

As I try to be okay and try to smile...some things just happen...maybe I'm not meant to be okay even if I try to. Perhaps, there is nothing that I can do with how I feel.

Already...my last full day of being sixteen...it's a disaster. I just want to enjoy it, but I can't. He was tired the other day and went to sleep early. And last night, he came home late an hour later. Even worse, connection problems. As I sit here waiting to see if he'll be on again, I recently catch him on. As always, I get a little jump inside of me, kind of hoping that we can talk until 1 at most.

But...I guess we can't make up the time that was lost...

I can't even stay happy for long...I can't even try to stay happy for long, because for the past two days, I've been trying, and things just keep coming up.

And I feel like I can never get things right. He can't heal me and simply doesn't have the time to do so. Knowing him, no matter what....my feelings just don't matter to him enough for him to just once stay up. Then again, he hasn't chosen to heal me and...he hasn't given me what I wish I can have.

As I sit here, tearing my eyes apart, I don't know what I should do.

I know that he can't and won't do anymore, and so I just decided to accept that fact and simply make him happy. Yet, things just keep showing up.

Don't tell me...that I'll be crying on my birthday...

I wonder...if things...are too late now...

I feel as though I've done something wrong.

As I try to sacrifice what I want and need and try to make him happy. why are other things getting in the way....

I've noticed that as time has flown by this summer, pictures of him and me aren't so important to him anymore. Pictures of my own self don't seem to interest him to actually want to see them. And I find pictures to be so special...he used to ask for them...eager to...I dont understand...

He has stopped doing things that I have enjoyed...I knew it...eventually...the cute little romantic things will fade...

No longer do I have the car door open for me. No longer does he fix my hair or fix my shirt.

No longer do I get pinched in the cheeks.

My birthday isn't special. It's just some "me" day...kind of selfish. Well, my birthday was never celebrated or acknowledged before. This upcoming one will just be like any other. I'm already crying on my last full day of being sixteen.

I'm afraid that this mood I'm in won't lighten up. I just want a perfect last day...but I guess I'm not even special in this world to even deserve such a day.

Might as well stay up all night and cry for unknown reasons. Think of it as losing a pound before I grow older.

Just finished watching The Perfect Man. How cute...

"Love is friendship on fire."