♥ Daily Blog: Everything Falls

After watching The Orphan, dad went down and opened the refrigerator. He started to sigh and complain in this annoying tone of his.
"I've worked so hard and I was so looking forward to eat it. Now I don't have any because you guys ate it all. F*ck. I'm so tired from working, and all I want was that. I've been so tired."

blah blah blah

ugh. for once, stop using work as an excuse. He never eats it and this is my first time eating it. If he knows that it's going to run out, he might as well ask to save him so. He doesnt always eat it.

Shut up and stop complaining. You're tired. Okay, I understand. But stop using work as an excuse. I rather work than to have stupid worries and a headache all day.

His tone annoyed me so badly. My sister took the easy way out and went to the restroom. So like, if he was talking to us, then he would wait for her. But no, he started talking and talking and I got so mad that he was blaming me. I was playing with the leash, and though I tried to take in those things, it was all too much.

The words "tired, work" all reminded me of what my lover used last time. Eventually, dad got on my nerves and I just set the thing down but since i was mad, i set it down hard.

Heh, it's not like i freaken yelled back or anything. I just stayed silent and walked away. I don't want any trouble. Furthermore, if he had something to say to me, say it right there and straight. Get to the point! What's with "tired" and "work." Okay, I know what he was trying to do, but like seriously, he used that excuse wayy too many times. Mother can always make more tomorrow. He doesnt always eat it, and since I liked it and it was my first, there's nothing wrong with me eating it.

Who knew.

I walked away, and he stopped talking. Then, all of a sudden something whizzed right pass my ankle and hit the ground hard and loudly, resulting in pieces of medal. I saw the broken cup. I realized that if I haven't turned my direction in walking, I wouild have been hit.

I was shocked. Never in my whole life has someone thrown something at me, trying to hit me or injured me like that.

I'm already emotionally hurt. What the heck.

I turned around, not sure what I was doing. I knew that I had it.

I stared at him in surprise. "Are you serious?" (spoke english)

He started toward me. "Yeah." (spoke english)

I had it. "Why did you throw this at me? What did I do?"

He walked toward the table and held up the leash. He imitated what I did. "You did that. That's why I did what I did."

I felt the blood rushing through my veins. "It doesn't matter. I didn't hurt you. I didn't threw it at you. I didn't threw it at the floor. I simply set it down and it was hard because you pissed me off. It doens't matter what I did. I didn't hurt you. That gave you absolutelly no right for you to attempt to hurt me in that sort of method."

"You were disobedient to me. So I did what I did."

"Still, I didn't hurt you or threw things at you. I'm your daughter. You don't have the right to attempt to hurt me just because I did what I did. You don't throw things at people. That's no way to treat me or discipline me!"

All my words were loud and I was firmly shouting. I was shocked, hurt, and couldn't believe my eyes. The windows were open. I didn't care. However, he looked at the windows, and seemed worried if the neighbors would hear. I spoke mostly viet.

He started to say, "You did that. So I did what I did." He started to calm.

"You got on my nerves with your complaints. They're annoying. I've heard it so many times."

"What did I say? All I was saying was to save your parents some."

"Really?? You simply blamed me for the fact that there's nothing left! It's my first time eating it. I didn't even know you eat it. Furthermore, you don't always eat it. If you wanted some, you might as well let us know."

"Well I didn't know that. And I was talking to the both of you."

"No. Tammy isn't here. So why are you talking to me? Acting as if it's all my fault that your life is in ruins."

on and on it went.

"I'm your daughter. You don't freaken throw things like that at your own daughter. If you have something to say, get to the point. If you want me to stay, tell me to stay. You don't throw things."

I walked upstairs and he followed. I was now at the top while he was at the bottom.

More coming.

I was angry. Tears ran down my face. I didn't realize that until later.

Dad started saying how he never did things like that to his parents. All this stuff.

"For me doing that, I'm sorry. But there was no need for you to actually throw something at me!"

"I'm trying to discipline you."

"That's no way of discplining. It's punishment involving abuse. I've learned it all in school. That's no way of shaping someone. It's a form of abuse and the police would be involved if you actually hit me."

"I don't care. Call the police then. I don't care going to jail. I was simply trying to discipline you."

"Is it working? Your type of discpline has been going on all my life. Is it working? This is who I am right now, and I don't like it. And if you have to deal with this, do you think punishment is working? I can't believe that you would do that. I'm your daughter, for heaven's sake."

somehow, we ended up leaving.

I was mad. Tears continued to run down.

Dad went upstairs to get something from his closet and went down.

He then called up and said, "Mother doesn't teach you anything, and now you're a disgrace. Someday you'll be blaming your mother."

"Mother doesnt do anything. It's not her fault. You're the one who's not doing what you're supposed to," I said aloud.

"When I was younger I wasn't like you guys. In Vietnam when I get hit, I know my wrong deeds and I don't treat my parents like you treat me."

I had it. My sister had it.

For once I walked out of my room and simply yelled, "We're NOT in Vietnam!"

For heaven's sake, stop it. One, you were in VN and it was NORMAL and considered OKAY and a workable METHOD for hitting children and treating them like that so they can be good. But over in America, this is wrong. So when he was younger, the custom was like that. It was acceptable and so it was supposed to work for you guys.

But here? We're different. Hitting me and attempting to abuse me are so not worth it. Keep doing it and the more I'm farther away from you.

My sister shook her head. "You guys already had some tension in between. Now, I don't think even an apology can make things the same again."

If I were to apologize, it would be for eating and not saving and for walking away and setting that thing down hard. But for his anger to the point where he threw a medal cup at me? No.

Furthermore, I already apologized. If he's not going to realize his own mistakes, there IS no need.

Parents went out to eat. I ate nothing.

Mother went home and told me, "He was serious today."

Basically, my dad asked how old I was and mom said that i was almost seventeen.

and he replied, "One more year, and it's done."

If i'm kicked out, i'll move out.

though mother said that she's worried for a girl to be living alone. 18 year-olds living alone get killed many times.

so idk.

idk where i'm going.

right now, i'm worried and sick out of my mind.

No one to talk to. My best friend/boyfriend conceals things from me, resulting me to feel more insecure.

I'm worried about our relationship. I'm scared to death. I'm worried.

If I keep telling him that, it will bother him. Besides, he won't do anything.

I know him by now. He hasn't tried to understand me. He simply ignores it.

I always want to know everyhthing about him. I care, and I'm curious.

If it's so damn hard to even tell me the single, little unimportant thing (or so he claims to be), how is that sharing? Doesn't matter what we share. As long as we talk and keep each other updated, I feel closer to him and know that he sees me as someone really important to him.

It's what brings us closer.

All the time, I'm trying my hardest to apologize first, willing to take my blame and fault.

I'm taken for granted.

ddfjdkfj that's it. no more fake finals. this is it. i'm just going to focus on him. my feelings? i'll simply state one word that describes how i feel, leave it.

that wil make him happy. he's just going to brush it off.

when he has problems with his mother, i simply ask and respond quickly. letting him know that i'm there and that i have all ears/eyes.

okay.

one: he doesn't try to understand how i feel. doesn't want to feel how i feel. too much trouble. doesn't want to bring us closer.

two: all about him. proof!

three: my worries are nothing to him.

plans -

one: if he asks how i feel, simply state one word, and move on. talk about something else. why tell him? it's not that important. if it is, he would use what i tell him wisely.

two: forget about myself. all about him.

three: back off, and just let my insecurties grow back up. he says he's trying, but he's not. it's okay. it's okay. who am i? doesn't matter anymore

i guess the saying is true? "When you truly love someone, it's all about that someone, not you anymore."

i just thought that he cared about me more than himself? um...
well...

no need to change who i am.

i'm usually private.

i'm just expressive towards him.

i'll go back to being private.

i thought he wanted me to talk to him openly...but i guess it's just words?

letting things take their course...

i'm so starving...

now i can't sleep and i already don't have food...

so many things...mainly about him...why can't he be the solution? he says he wants to be...but he doesn't aim to be.

wanting but no action? there's a difference...

i guess he's tired from work

maybe i should just take it easy on him.