♥ Daily Blog: Trying to Forget

Why...must these memories and feelings come back? I'm trying to suppress them...but...I guess that was the trauma of my life...something that I can never forget. Furthermore, everytime I go through them, I feel the same pain over again and tears start to come.

I guess these are the feelings that he will never feel...though he was hurt back then, I never would have left him. My words were messed up...family issues at the same time...hard to keep my thoughts straight...but...if only he had kept his words...then...it wouldn't have become worse. Still, I would have never left him.

I need help.

How can I let go of that trauma from the past. In about more than a month, events happened...memories were made....things that have changed my life forever. As I sit here crying, knowing that the past has left, but I can't help feeling the pain that I had once felt...somewhere in my heart, I am glad that he will never know these feelings...I am glad that he will never feel the pain that had traumatized me...I am glad...that the person I love will never have to be hurt like I was.

The things he had gone through...I have gone through them before...the times that I have hurt him and the times when he has hurt me...were equal...until the shocking thing he did.

How I wish to be healed from the past that haunts me...

I had a nightmare last night....why are these keep coming back...it's true then...that was the trauma of my life up to this point.

Perhaps...just perhaps...by writing them out...putting the horror scenes in my story...explaining every detail...perhaps...I can look away for good...and leave those traumas trapped inside my story instead of my memory...

But for now...I can't help but cry like I once did before...

The interesting thing that came out from those times were...the fact that regardless of how he pushed away from me...how he enjoyed himself with other ladies...regardless of how he left me for his friends...regardless...of how that last day in chem with him...proved how much he feels for me...regardless knowing that I do not always come first...that my feelings did not matter...regardless of all that

I still love him. I still did not leave him.

That's when I realized that I truly love him. I doubt that...any guy besides my ex would do such a thing like I did. But...I have no interest in my ex. Not at all. Nothing. That guy and I could never discuss feelings...

Even with my lover right now, I can't discuss my feelings either. But...this is the guy that I love.

Not any amount of money in the world...can succeed the way I still hold onto him. He will never surpass me in love. Only when the same trauma happens again and our roles are switched this time...only then would I consider our love equal.

But for now...I am right.

His best guy friend once told me something...here was how it went:

J: Do...you think that he'll ever let me go and move on?
C: hm...eventually. yah, he will.
J: and as for me?
C: well i don't think you can even if you try

That guy was right.

I would always love the guy I love right now...no matter what...he's my one and only...until the very end of time...all this...because I am a girl. A girl who puts her lover first above her world.

That trauma continues to haunt me...please stop...i don't want to remember...i don't want to remember anything...

I want to make my guy happy...even if it requires me to sacrifice my happiness for that.

He's another human being (besides myself) that I would like to take care of for the rest of my life...