♥ Daily Blog: My Soul Starts to Wander

Sometimes...I ask for the simplest thing, but he just can't see it.

I guess even the simplest things can be hard to bring about.

What pains me the most is when he just doesn't know what to do and gives up. I end up hurting him...while I'm the one who's hurt. Maybe I'm just some messed up girl who needs counseling.

The one thing that I just want to succeed is love. Just him.

Why is it so hard to have the first time he asked me out to be transposed into real life? Yesterday was special alright, but it wasn't like before. I came home happy, excited...he wasn't there. Nothing changed. Nothing. Everything stayed the same. It seems as though yesterday was just like any other day. All I wanted was to see him happy...like those times when we will message each other when we're both not on at the same time...it was recently...why are all of those gone now that we're going out...I don't know what he wants anymore...I don't even know if he's satisfied...

Just a simple thing...but now...what I want...cannot happened...no matter how much I want it...picture it...time has gone by...I can't rewind time and ask him to do this and this...I want it to be his own way...but..

That's all I ask. I can't rewind now. What can I do? It's already done...

Whoever heard of a girl who doens't like the way she's been asked out? Yeah...i'm definitely some retarded girl who needs to get some major counseling.

I guess I like the first time...better...even though it was online...the words were beautiful...the way he was happy and showed it by changing this, by adding this, etc....

That's all I want. That's all I needed to see...to confirm that things can be good like before and better...but instead...I realized that...the good things were not kept. They went away...along with the bad things...

I think...I need to fix myself...I mean...seriously...I do want him to be healthy, yet I can't even be happy to know that he's working out. If he's doing it for himself only, then...hey...he's not doing it for me at all...he's going to attract more girls...and my mind's going to be disrupted.

I'm working out for myself...but I'm in a different situation. I needed to erase the pain that was given upon me during the recent months.

One thing triggered all back to me...I still have not forgotten those times yet...those were the recent ones...the most painful memories I have ever received...

I suddenly recall myself...

I was desperately trying to reach him. I kept checking his ms, since he couldn't go online to chat. I kept checking emails...waiting for replies...but...instead...the first and only sign I had from him...was that picture he posted up on myspace. I remembered messaging him right away...desperately waiting for a reply. I couldn't focus on my work. I left all my homework undone.

Painful...too painful to remember...the feeling that was put upon me....

and now...I'm afraid to lose him. He's not open to me anymore...at least...that's what he just said...I'm not his best friend...why can't he tell me things and be okay...why can't i tell him things and he be ok...

The only thing to make me happy is to just talk to me and not feel down...I just wished he can talk to me and ease me without thinking low of himself...I just want him ok...talk to me...easing me out...just simply listen...and after talking things out and listening...he can play with me and cheer me up...that's all i needed...yet...why couldn't i tell him that? Because...he won't be able to do it naturally...just on aim..already...he thinks low of himself right away.

I just want him to be happy and okay when he listens to me...when i listen to him...i just want him okay and not think low of himself when i'm feeling down...if he wants to do something, i just want him to listen with understanding and not think low of himself...all he were to do to make me happy was just to listen...not feel low of himsellf...simply talk to me...ease me out...and then cheer me up...as long as he keeps his words...i'll be secured and happy in no time...

why is it so hard...I just don't want him to think low of himself...why is that so hard to ask...from him?

as for the asking out thing...there's nothing i can do...nothing he can do...there's only one July 1st, 2009 in this lifetime and it has passed...what's done...is done...

it's not possible to go back in time, have him say "So Miss Jennifer, will you go out and be mine officially?" and kiss me like the way he did right after he asked me yesterday (well yeah...he did do something new that i like). It's not possible for him to ask with those words and then go home and sign on right away being all jolly and update his things. It's not possible. Time cannot be rewind. Nothing I can do except...just remember what I like and move on...still saddens me from time to time though..

but now...all i want is for him to not think low of himself everytime i feel down..i'm scared...i know that i will never let go of him no matter what...but i don't know about him...

i love him.

now i have to do what i have to do....i must start asking around now...i'm scared...so...i'll just move by the end of this month. must get my driver's ed done...everything...so then i can take care of other things...perhaps i can't have a job for a reason...i might not be able to hold the job for long..

one week...i'll give him one week to think, recall, and recover.

i see him as my best friend, yet i'm not his. i can't believe it.

now i have to do this. one week.

i'm going to disconnect my aim too...i'll be blogging forever now lol...nothing to do much..

so...one week away from aim...gotta disconnect.

i hope he's ok.

~jen-jen