♥ Daily Blog: What is Loyalty?

Loyalty. I don't know if it's good or not anymore.

I broke down for an hour again...

I wish I knew earlier...

I can't take it anymore in the house...I look toward him for comfort...yet I have insecurities with him. I've given up my part...but he hasn't...he needs to know how to give and take...I've given up what troubles him the most...but did he gave up what troubles me the most...that was the one ongoing problem that still occurs up to today...?

I just said one thing...and so much were being said to me.

"He finds it unfair for you to just 'talk' with other guys while he's flirting with another girl supposedly 'talking' to them, it's okay with him. That's very rude of him."

"I don't usually talk to other guys. And it's not that. It's just you."

"You can't take ppl's words for it, actions are important."

"I know."

"If he really cares about you, never should there be 'excuse.' He shouldn't even make you worry about him and other girls."

(I don't remember telling about my life D: where'd he get the idea with my "supposedly bf" talking to other girls...could it be that most guys are like that??)

He continued...

"That's just dumb, 'cause then he's not thinking about you. He's just making excuses along the way, only to worry you more. The first person he should be protecting you from is himself, 'cause he makes you worry. If he really loves you, he should take care of that first and willing to make you safe with him. If he really loves you, he'll make you feel safe and won't leave you. Giving something up should not be a problem for him. He won't leave you no matter what."

"We should be fair, and equal, and if we truly care, the last thing ever we should do is make the other person worry. He should know better, but if he doesn't, then he's just abusing the relationship."

I told him..."Loyalty is trust.."

"But there's no trust when he's making excuses. Excuses is never."

I replied, "He doesn't ever make excuses to me. At least, that's what he tells me, and I believe him."

But he kept talking. "Even in business, because it's just bad relationship, you never want mcdonald to treat you wrong. no, you complain to the boss, because you paid for the food. It's all about fairness. You don't want to go to a store and the boss just makes excuses. heck, why would you ever even come back to a place like that? If he makes you worry, he's not very caring about how you're feeling."

"But you have to worry sometimes...," I responded.

"Worry is like your mind is disrupted. Concern is that you care. But of course, some worries are acceptable, like with a car accident. There are no excuses right there. You worrying is acceptable. So if the person telling you that he was hurt by a car, you can be worried."

"Think about this. If a guy dated a girl for a year and she's a bi*** to him, hitting him and using his money, should he stay with her while there's another girl who truly cares for him?"

His example shocked me. "That's terrible!" I said.

"You're right, it is terrible. You're seeing on the outside like using another person's money is terrible. But that's physical. Whereas how about a girl that goes out a lot at night while her bf 'worried' about her every night. You see, that's emotional. Using money and hitting = physical abuse. The other is emotional abuse. Abuse comes in many forms. In your situation, him making you worried with excuses is not a physical one. So he can emotionally hurt you without knowing it. Look at it this way, have you been thinking too much? If you have, then that's because you SHOULDN"T be, obviously it's a bad thing."

"Um..aghh.."

"Because for example, if someone is happy, do they spend time thinking about hurtful stuff? If someone is happy in love, don't they think about happy thoughts?"

"He tells me things and I trust him," I said.

"Well even a lie detector costs $1000."

"Uh...lie detectors don't work," I said.

"Exactly! Words mean nothing unless it corresponds with actions."


so like...I was pretty much silent. I don't even know this guy and he seems to know a lot, even when I kept myself soo private. But...L told me "He's not pro. I'm pro."

Bleh..i don't want to listen to anyone...i take things in...i consider them...but idk anymore.

Right now, my only concern is about faithfulness. Is it worth it? Is it good? Fairness. That's true. Of course, if you love someone a lot, then you can do more for that person without asking for anything in return. However, caring for someone's emotions is another thing.

I don't expect him to change. No matter how much I try or if the other person changes, most likely he or she will change for a few days/weeks, but will be back to their old self. No matter how well I say things to him, the words don't matter if he's stubborn. I can only hope that he loves me enough to see the reason why I don't like certain things and that he'll decide to change because he loves me and that he wants to eliminate that flaw. Although I accept him for who he is, I still hope that he eliminates that one flaw...everything can be perfect or close to perfect...only if only...that part of him isn't there anymore...

As for me being pessimistic, I can easily fix that. Heck, if I was still a pessimist, I would be stating things so different in this blog.

Whatever..I'm just being straightforward right now..I'm confused...i even sat in the back when i was with his best friend..fjdkfjdkf

What the heck is faithfulness??? I don't know what it is anymore. Based on experience, I don't even think being faithful is a good thing anymore. My faithfulness is...just being taken advantage of. Why can't I receive the same thing...

Ahh nhuc dao qua (um..i think that's how u spell in viet for "too much headache")

I swear...one of these days I'm just going to faint from a sudden breakdown.

He told me that I'm the best lover ever. But...what's so good about being the best lover when all my faithfulness is used for NOTHING?

All or nothing. One either has all my faithfulness or none at all.

I don't know what is loyalty anymore. I honestly don't know anymore. This world has become worse. The end of the world is near. This corruption...physically and emotionally...heck I'm one of the few who sticks to her morals.

heh...why should i listen to him if he doens't even listen to me.

i love him, but i don't know anymore. I just made myself more avaliable for summer for him...dfjdkfjd i wish i knew earlier...

man...i should have gone to seattle without saying anything...

ugh that's it. i'm checking for another ticket and ask my friend for help.