♥ Daily Blog: I Can't Stop Crying

I didn't have homework. I didn't know how long it would take him to finish his work, so I waited until he was done. So many things that I'm confused about...so many things that I just want a final simple answer.

I could have slept at 10:30 tonight and get back my hours from last night. (I slept at 4AM last night). Instead, I waited. When he was done with his work, it turned out that he had a headache. I kept staring at the IM window, wanting to type but can't. Maybe I should stop asking the same old questions to him. After all, I can ask him even a million same questions, and the answers won't be what I'm looking for.

I'm not even sure whether to speak up or not anymore.

I kept staring at the screen. I copied what i typed and cut it. I would then paste it, but then it was too late. So I cut my question from my window again. Then, I paste it again. I never hit enter.

I left my question on my IM window until he finally needed to go for real.

I don't want to assume, but...I need to assume. It's not a stupid assumption either. I know I've asked the same retarded question over and over again. The answer was only for his benefits.

I don't need to ask a billion same questions if his mind and heart have decided to be with me already. However, in this case, I can ask a billion same questions, and all the answers I receive will not be what i'm looking for.

My questions are...

you say that we're kind of together-ish. does that mean we're going out but not official?

Will it be official one day?

If so, will it be soon?

If so, will it be in June?

Does JayTee even mean anything to you anymore?


I'm breaking down as I type. I don't know why I'm so sensitive and so emotional. Up until now, I realize that being emotional and sensitive is a FLAW. I rather not have them. I need to get rid of them.

All my life I've been giving my feelings like an idiot. Shedding tears, giving time, and putting in effort. Love is a wonderful feeling, but only if the feelings are mutual...only if one isn't loving too much and the other isn't loving too little.

For the past month I've been trying so hard, putting in effort everyday. Everyday I shed at least one tear.

I've been thinking a lot, and I've come up with two things.

1. Effort: I've been trying so hard to bring back a relationship. I've been trying to ignore all the things he did that damaged my heart. I've been trying to put the pieces back together. Yet, this is the highest I can reach.

2. Patience: Perhaps I should be patient. Wait and wait for an unknown day where it will be official. However...I've realized that one out of two is enough. If I haven't put effort and strength, I would have been just patient, give him plenty of time to think. However, sitting around as life passes by isn't my motto. I'm patient, but I have a level of it. If I am to be patient, I wouldn't be trying so hard for anything.

Yet...I made choice number 1. I've put in effort...but my intention wasn't granted.

I'm giving love too much that now I feel empty.

For once, I just want to sit and don't have to take any initiative.

Giving love too much...as a result, I'm still crying...

And all of this...even when he knows why i'm hurt somehow everyday...he refuses to face it...

even when he had a headache...who ended up sacrificing her troubled mind?

I don't want to know what care is anymore...Giving love...giving time...giving help..my goal has failed on me.

How can someone only accept feelings...

When will it be...



When will it be?