♥ Daily Blog: What's Good?

"what's good with you? i don't want to sit and wonder"

video was funny today. awesome.

now, i must perfect it. well ok, make it better.

i'm so confused between dreams and reality...

how to combine them...how...

my health is getting worse again. i'm dying inside so badly. i absolutely HATE love. screw it. i don't even have to kill myself. i'll just die naturally. i'm not thinking negative, but seriously, i'm DYING inside. i'm literally dying inside.

everything happens for a reason. but he can't see that that reason can be that the relationship can be better if it's given another try. instead, he lets it go refusing to even have hope, refusing to continue to hope.

how can he tell me to hope...when he himself doesn't have hope for this...

his plans did not include me either...

even as i cry...he doesn't even care...i cried walking to his house...he didn't even notice...

life...isn't about money all the time...to be happy...is to be successful....i rather wake up each day...and do what i love...and enjoy myself...

and guess what
the reason why i fell in love with him in the first place is so i can suffer today and forever from here.

bc i can't be healed. i blame myself so much that i've learned to hate myself. i care about someone more than i care about my own self. as a result, with no one caring for me and not being first in a person's life...i'm dying.

saying "whatever happens happens" tells me that he doesn't care whether i'm this person or that person in his life. it tells me that...i'm not as important like before. it cannot be a whatever. we should go with the flow...but in taking that route with feelings like this...it shows that he DOESN'T love me in that way.

little does he know...that even if a thing exists once again...it's going to be different. sweet romance can happen...but at the same time...reality dwells in too. i rather grow with him and experience life in every way...than to only know about fantasies...i rather be happy with reality as well...i want fantasy to be combined with reality...

i wonder...what will be the difference...if he and i are together once again...it's not like i'll be the person i was before again. it's not like i'll criticize so badly. we can be where we are right now...and grow deeper and better...to be happy, to care, to have success...and to support each other...to make life worth living for each other.

~jen-jen