♥ Daily Blog: So Many Tears

I'm so hurt by the things that have come my way and by some of my mistakes.

Patience is a virtue, but at the same time in certain situations, it hurts me so badly.

Knowing that I wouldn't be waiting for it right now if things have been good back then.

Spending every night, crying my eyes out...shouldn't I be able to do it for many days to come....

It can take weeks and months until he gets things settled. Knowing that he doesn't want to have anything with me until then makes me feel unwanted and not needed in his life.

If he thinks that a relationship with me will get in his way...this isn't really a good sign...

If the past relationship wasn't broken...that special bond between us will continue to exist...even through whatever he needs to settle...

And that's what I'm crying about.

I want to wait so badly but...I cry each night again...knowing what could have been in such...knowing that i've ruined something that i've treasured so much...

Knowing that I'm the type of person who puts the other person first.

I hate that part of me. I hate it so much now. If I didn't have it, I wouldn't be crying. If I didn't have it, I wouldn't even care.

If I didn't have it, I wouldn't have to wait.

But...I've cried for days lately..even when I got the answer...seeing that I have to wait...reveals that...I don't even come first...

I don't even know who I want to be anymore. A part of me right now...I just don't want to be myself anymore. I want to be another person. I want to be a brand new person, someone else...someone who doesn't love and have to initiate.

I'm hurting right now from my own self...seeing that I'm longing for something that I have had...seeing that I have to wait...seeing that...I'll continue to hurt...hurting from my own mind, hurting from knowing that I would still have it today if I had realized one thing from before.

My mood is going downhilll now. I still smile...but...I feel empty...