♥ Daily Blog: Living a Lost

Sometimes, I ponder why.

It's funny how we set qualifications for the person to love, when at the back of our minds we know that the one we truly love will always be an exception.

No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I try to convince myself that he's not the one for me, something counters it.
Everyone deserves love. It doesn't matter if you're a transient, a snob, or some criminal. We're all human beings. We all love at some time in our life. There's no such thing as two people from different worlds. There's no rule against it.

It's funny. It's hilarious. I'm a dumb turtle. I'm a very dumb turtle. I never knew what's it like to accept someone for who that person is. I may say that I do, but I have never put that to the test. And as I see this side of him, even if he's either faking it bc he doesn't want me to like him anymore or whatever, my feelings for him stays the same. In fact, it has grown.

No, Jen. The freezer is running out of coolness. I must, I must, freeze it more. Actually, my feelings are already frozen.

I've changed. I've changed and I'm aware of that. I feel powerless against this side of me. As he changes around me, I changed too. I have no control of it. I hate to say this, but, maybe he is my other half.

If he's acting, he's a good actor. I can act too. Why do I feel as if I know what's going on with him even when I'm not even sure?

Perhaps I have accepted him all along, but just wanted him to be better.
It's a fact that if someone loves you, he or she will protect you regardless of who he or she really is. Love takes control. Somewhere in this icy heart of mine, I know that he can be the person I want him to be if he wants to.

Ironically, he's being the jerk that I always fall for whenever I see that kind of jerk in movies or books. It's crazy, isn't it? I fall for jerks and he's being exactly the kind of jerk I will fall for.

I'm out of ideas. I'm out of arguments to argue with myself. There's no doubt that he will always be the one for me. No matter who he is, he's always the character that I like: dangerous, tough but sweet. -_-

My dream guy has two sides. As he have approached to the good side before, now he's approaching the bad side.

It doesn't matter if I have a perfect person or not. What's the point of being with the perfect person if it just doesn't feel right?

I've changed. I've completely changed. I smile when I'm angry, I smile when I'm hurt, and I smile when I'm depressed. I have successfully covered my true side, my kind side. I'm different, and I know it. It seems to me that I can only find my old self if he becomes the person I once knew.

What pains me way deep inside is knowing that he will be with someone else later on, knowing that he'll leave and I'll never see him again, knowing that I once found my true love but I let it out of my grasp.

I tried to convince myself that this isn't true love.
But, how can I argue with myself when I clearly know the truth? I knew he wasn't the guy I should fall for. I knew that way from the beginning. Yet, I still fall for him. My heart just knows it.

I try to prove this stupid astrology thing wrong. Again, I have failed.

This aspect shows an attraction to each other beyond the physical. There is a level of forgiveness and mercy in the chemistry between you. You may share your dreams together with a sense of freedom. Tolerance exists between the two of you, which is a very soothing and settling quality.

Crud! This freaken info is so true.

It's love-at-first-sight, the great passion: they will be drawn to each other like two magnets, they will always have to see and touch each other. Very good sexual understanding, typically very passionate. It must be said that this type of relationship may not last forever, it may not develop into a quiet and tender love. If they part, it is close to impossible to stay friends because of the constant reminder of the passion that once existed. It's all or nothing with them. If they part, one will suffer when the passion of the other dies, it will be a very difficult time to live through. However, if they stay together, there is strength to gain from each other.

GRRRR! Stupid astrology thing! So many conjunctions (conjunction=powerful). EIGHT conjunctions! I'm trying so hard to prove this whole thing wrong, but no matter how hard I try, this thing is true. I can't argue with a study that has existed and proven true for thousands of years.

This one guy I barely knew tried to see if it's true and I was so certain that he will prove this astrology thing wrong. Yet, surprisingly, all true.

Sometimes I wish I never knew that love really is. Furthermore, sometimes I wish that I have never known what true love is. Six months may be nothing to most people, but if true love is really here, one can just meet another person for the first time and know what love is. Logically, it's impossible. But emotions cannot always be dealt with logic. I mean, think about it.

That SAT topic essay was really something. Should people depend on emotions when making important decisions? I say yes. Actually, both. However, in this situation, people should depend on their emotions. As someone has said, "When you really love someone, you'll give chances without knowing when to stop." Funny thing is, that someone did the same thing as I. He took his gf off his mind, yet, he didn't know how but they somehow end up being back together.

However, I highly doubt that that would happen. As I have said before, I don't believe in love anymore. I don't care if I'm lying to myself or not. No one will EVER prove me that love exists. I don't care if I know that I'm wrong. I know I'm lying to myself, but it's the only way.

I've changed. I don't know how, but I've changed. I can feel this cruelness inside my heart. I can feel it. I can feel this cold heart of mine.

I don't have control over this anymore. I'm putting on a mask now. I'm being nice when I'm really not. I'm being happy when I'm really not. I'm actually hollow. I feel nothing. I can't cry anymore. Instead, I have this twisting feeling inside my stomach. Love does change a person, doesn't it?

*sigh* I don't know what love is anymore. All I know is that I have someone whom I feel very attached to. That's all I know. That's all I feel. I don't know what love is anymore. I may say all this now, and people may think that I'll find someone else in the future, but....I know myself.

Because of him, I found my true self. I'm very mysterious. I'm not even sure who I am anymore.

All I know is that I've become cold.

I'm dead, but I tell myself that I'm alive.

That's it. I'm writing an article to submit to the school's newspaper. No one will know muahahaha! New name :]]]

More quotes later :]

I don't believe in love, but I'll continue writing about it. I don't need love, but there are people out there who does.