♥ Daily Blog: Life's a Loop

Since I don't like counselors, I went for help. Two of my teachers gave me good advices especially since one of my teachers have been through so much. I was so surprised when she looked at me and her expression became a worried look. "You need to eat. You have to force yourself to eat. You're too thin. You're going to be anorexic even if you have no intention on losing weight."

She's also right about..the fact that I will one day cry again. I can't cry now because I've cried everything out last time. She understands that the pain I feel inside will reach to the point where I can die from just a heartbreak. (and no...not my current english teacher)

She advised me to do something. I'm going to take this advice, because i think she's right. If he still loves me, he'll come back. Maybe I should have just done this step instead of meeting him afterschool today.

But he's wrong about me being immature. I told him the truth. I told him I have thought about it for days already. The gunshot, eh? Yesterday, eh? heh..well all the evidence is in this blog website and he will never find it since this website is nothing to him now.

i mean..if he still visits, he'll probably see the dates.

But overall, it's not immaturity, but rather loving too much. I honestly say that...one who knows love is when his or her heart is shattered and have everything broken.

I know love, because I've ran to Don Wash yesterday without thinking. My heart took over.
It's not stupidity, but rather loving too much.
Suicide isn't stupid. One can understand that real love can pain someone this much.

Overall, I'm NOT immature. If I were immature, I would have blown up and simply "beg" for the chance. Ptsh. Not this Jennifer. yessiree :] I reasoned with him already. If he fails to realize anything, well my sponser is right.

"You've already apologized a lot. You even recognized your mistakes. Relationships grow if two ppl realize their mistakes. If he's not willing to accept your apology and give you this chance, it's his loss. He's a jerk, not because of his behavior, but because of his failure to realize the truth you're trying to tell him. So, you apologized and spent time thinking about things. But if he's just going to be plain stubborn like that, it's his loss, because I've never seen any girl who would realize her mistakes. I mean, seriously, I know girls. They rarely apologize to their boyfriends. But you? That's a real character right there. I must say that no matter whom he will meet later, no girl will ever love him like you have loved him. She can make him happy, but her love for him will never be compared to yours. I may not have evidence for that, but looking at you, running around like that, risking your life like that, I think if he's ever in trouble, you will come to him right away. If someone can't appreciate this amount of love, it's truly their loss."

*sigh* Well, I am a good girl >:| Suicide thoughts? rofl impossible. I'll just repress my pain with something else. I don't care what happens anymore.

If he had feelings for me at all, he would understand me. Instead, he chose to understand her.
Ha! LOL whatever. I don't care what he does with other girls anymore. No matter what, I am honored to be his first in most things.

Yeah, I'm not weak. I may be anorexic..or on my way there, but I have pride in myself. I gave love, it wasn't accepted. I apologized but my apology wasn't accepted. Whatever, if he plans to date again in college, I guess all of those words were lies. lol. to be honest, I wanted to talk to his mom to get her to understand him. I had all my words down, and I think I sounded very polite :]

But...what now?

Jen is mature and immature. Those parts make one person. lol. And I will finish this JayTee book :] dc if JayTee no longer exists. The good thing is...I have soooo many ideas. I think after I finish writing the book, I'll be famous :] Mainly bc...I'm emotional...creative..and hm..idealistic.

this shall be realistic ficition.

This will take years for my feelings for him to go away. In fact, I'm not going to love again. lol who needs love. -_-

I'll be that one good looking chick one day :] successful and cold hearted. haha i'll help nice ppl and if i see bullies, i'll make them apologize. :] yeahh...a person can want me...but will NEVER have me.

alrighty.

let's do this.

i've tried, i've cried, i've experienced. if he doesn't understand nor does he realize, well, nothing can do. I respect him. I respect his decision. I just don't respect the way he thinks that second chances can't be given out. Sure he was hurt. I'm hurt too. But that's love. The bad side of love needs to be fulfilled with understanding first in order to reach the good side of love forever.

I'll always have the "T" I once knew in my mind, combining to the way he dresses now. hm, 90 percent dream guy.

oh well. no more love, please.

Although...I think he and I can be best friends.

I'm weak on the outside, but I'm strong on the inside. It's time to "transform" this strong love for him into this strong cold-hearted feeling.

I must iced myself up. I can't cry. I can be hurt, but I will never cry. I'll cry when I need to. But I think all my tears ran out. My heart's flooded with tears....but...I know I can survive.

At least now I know my mistakes. Though this relationship could be perfect for both if there is a second chance, I realized that I have done everything I can to prove. The immature person isn't me. The immature person is the other, who fails to understand what "I will" means.

Although..I hate it when ppl say bad things about him. He has problems too. Grr...they say any more about him and I'll be so pissed. Don't care if he doesn't love me or not, but knowing him, it's not his fault. It's THEIR fault. Some members. ptsh.

ok...i'm down in the dumps again.

Me: GAH!!!!
My other self: yes, scream. remember that one guy's advice? Scream in your pillow. Scream. Cry. Let it out.
Me: *screams*
My other self: well we've both realized our mistakes right. We thought about them the other day, remember?
Me: HAI
My other self: You tried your best, right.
Me: HAI
My other self. At least you tried and was not afraid to NOT try. One needs to accept the pain from good things sometimes. If it hurts to try, at least it's worth it because it does prove something. At least, you're not a coward.
Me: I guess?

~jen-jen

p.s. you know...talking to my conscience actually helps. lol i know my mistakes. yeah..i thought about all of them already.

The time was worth it.