♥ Daily Blog: I Am Done.

No corsages. No camera.

However, there was a silent hope.

It didn't matter if he had forgotten the corsages and camera (well, okay...he shouldn't have forgotten them but...oh wells); what mattered was his presence.

Some parts of my dreams...came true...and most...did not.

But...spending time with him was something that I will always treasure.

I am done. The ice is complete. My hope stops here. I've done all I can, I've waited, I've tried. I'm done with expressing myself. I'm done with lowering my barrier.

Englishman and the Queen Elizabeth. I'm really glad that we look really formal and sophisticated together. I'm glad. I'm happy that I danced with him near the end.

And I couldn't restrain myself from crying. At the prom, he was focused on me for about 98 percent of the time. But now...I have to face reality. I have to face seeing him focusing on others at school. And I couldn't restrain myself from crying. Being with him once more brings me back so many memories. The kiss, the singing, etc. But...all along...I knew that all will end...and I couldn't restrain myself from crying. Last night...was the only night I can feel as if he and I are a couple once more. And I couldn't restrain myself from crying. It's...the very last romantic memory.

As much as I want to have hope, I refuse to think positive.
Even when he left me there, in my mind...I kept thinking that..."He probably said hi to her" and when he told me that he had to help his friend, I realized that...the nightmare I had the other day was no mistake.

And as much as I told myself to not cry again, my tears are running right now incessantly.

Why the _ is love so cruel? I don't want to love anymore. I really don't. I don't want to...I'm afraid.

If he wants me to wait, all I can say is is that he's not into me anymore. I swear...if something happens to me by accident and I get killed, would that teach him a lesson that he should have given me an answer before it's too late?

But...overall...the feeling from the special day...the feeling was...melancholy...

From today...I'm a new person. I am neutral, unexpressive, and simply blank.

The old Jennifer is gone.

Funny. I was stupid and naive to even hope that he'll ask me out at the last minute to the end of prom.

What the hell am I hoping for now anyway?

I'm breakiing down so hard right now, and I don't even know why.

I was so stupid to even hope for such thing. I rather not hope at all than to be stepped on.

I will never think positive again. EVER. To be honest, I actually did think positive at prom...at the slightest bit.

And guess what? Down the toilet it went.

Why would I think positive when everything I have hoped NEVER comes true?

Sometimes...I'm not even sure right now if I regret going to prom or not. For one, spending time with him was great. However, looking back at it makes me cry so badly.

I honestly...can't think of a better way...to ask a girl out...other than asking her out in a slow dance...

My other self: Maybe he wants you to be less negative and more positive before he gets back with you. After all, thinking negative will lead to destruction.
Me: How about if I go neutral. Besides, other girls are after him. Though I should fight for him, but...seems like he's taking it for granted. You know, I'm just going to let the guy choose.
My other self: If he's focused on you and only you, will that make you a more positive person?
Me: If he's consistent and proves that I can trust him, I know I'll be more positive.
My other self: What if...he proves to you his feelings for you and wants to be with you in that sense.
Me: If he does prove his feelings for me and actually does want to be with me in that sense, I'm actually going to be more positive from there. That's because it proves that my hope does come true...and knowing that one major hope comes true...I know that life is good and I'm going to maintain that positivity.
However, as of now, thinking positive did NOT made my hope come true. Therefore, I'm done. No more expressing myself.
My other self: You used to be so positive and fun loving three years ago. How about...if you become who you were before...just for a few days...and see what happens...if he still talks to her and isn't considerate of how you feel, then you have the right to remain neutral and cold-hearted.
BUT...if something good happens, you need to keep that positivity. Deal?
Me: Bleh. Sure. Fine. I'll be who I was from three years ago. Wait...that means..I'm generally quiet, shy, but hyper and happy to a person I'm close to o.o
hm...not that hard...

P.S. I told him I was done before I went inside my house. However...he better not mistaken that for my feelings or something. I told him I was done. For a further explanation...he better realize that what I meant was..."I'm done with being expressive."