♥ Daily Blog: Exploded

I'm so confused. I'm simply darn confused.

It's ridiculous. I read my old journal again and realized that I have two types of dream guys. It's insane. One ideal guy, but he has two sides.

And guess what? Now I'm falling for another guy, but with the same person.

Freaken Jen. You tell yourself that you won't love anymore, so what's going on?

You can fall in love as many times as you want but with the same person -_- ugh I forgot that I put this statement somewhere in my yesterday's blog.

Either way, my feelings are frozen. I don't know what I'm waiting for anymore. Somehow I don't care what a jerk he is as long as he has that other side. I know he does.

However, I'm so darn confused. I don't quite understand anymore. Well, things happen when you least expect it, so I'm really not going to sit and wonder anymore. Apparently, I'm already afraid that he'll love someone else eventually. Already, he only talks to me after school.

Eh...well anyway...yeah I'm so cold hearted now. I try to smile, I try to laugh, but I don't know. I'm kind of lost now.

Oh yeah...I found the perfect dress. I'm serious. I found the one. However, it's so expensive. What the heck...I'm going to get it..now I might need to buy it over online...but if it's a bit loose...I can get it fixed...jfkdjk let's just hope the dress fits me well. Until then, I can't really order or plan anything if I have no answer. I'm not even sure if I have three hundred bucks already. The ticket's expensive already...follow by pictures...yeah...about three hundred bucks..about..maybe a tiny bit more..

I'm so broke. Then again, I hope it's worth it, because this is probably the last memory I'll ever have with him. Soon, he'll be gone...finding another person to be with...I'll no longer be in his heart. Though I have high hopes that somehow and someday and someway, we'll find our way back. But, as of now, I don't know that. I'm taking a big risk here. I just know that I'm going to be broke...but even far worse than all that money, I'm going to miss him. I'm going to miss him, knowing that he was once mine and I took him for granted.

Disneyland...I wonder...if I make a wish there...will it happen and come true? I wonder...if a miracle will happen...anything is possible...but...I don't want to keep my hopes high...furthermore...I'm not going to expect anything but rather just hope.

"When you really love someone, you'll stick by them, even when you're not there physically." I keep thinking and thinking. However, I feel as though that...I need to add more to that sentence. If you truly love someone, you'll be by them emotionally when you can't be there physically. However, if you are there physically, hold onto that person as much as possible, because you'll never know if that person will be gone the next day.
I wonder...doesn't being with a certain someone makes you only look at that person and only that person? Take chances while there are still chances left...

I didn't realize this, but I never knew that my feelings are this true. Through all the fights, the tears, etc., my feelings remain the same. Furthermore, they have grown even when he decided to reveal his true self.

I rather love someone with flaws and all than to fall in love with someone who's so perfect but doesn't even exist.

And somewhere deep down in my heart, I know he still has that side. I didn't fall in love with him initially because of one side of him. When I fall for him, I fall for all the sides that he possesses.

Overall, what is love? I don't remember. I just know that I have someone to care about.

My heart is icy cold now.

Hope.

~jen-jen